MARCH 10, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Capitalist Camp: Insights from Siberia. Impact: This camp sparked a series of capitalist ventures that ultimately led to the invention of the Siberian Bear Market, where stocks fluctuate based on how many bears are spotted each week. Investors now carry bear spray instead of pens.. Fact: Siberia is known for its harsh winters, but it's also where dreams of capitalism go to freeze—literally..
• Headline: The Fall of Sol Wachtler. Impact: Wachtler's fall from grace served as a cautionary tale for judges everywhere, leading to a dramatic decrease in extramarital affairs among the judicial elite and a spike in lonely judges eating takeout in their chambers.. Fact: Judges have a unique power to sentence others, but Wachtler learned the hard way that they can also be sentenced. A real-life plot twist!.
• Headline: SOAPBOX;700 Candid Words About Race. Impact: Colin Powell's candidacy for presidency paved the way for future politicians to discuss race—though most just ended up discussing their favorite color instead. Thanks for the progress, guys!. Fact: It turns out, discussing race in politics is like discussing diet at a buffet—everyone's uncomfortable, and no one leaves satisfied..
• Headline: WHAT'S DOING IN;San Francisco. Impact: San Francisco's newfound pride in arts institutions led to an explosion of hipster culture, where people began bragging about their artisanal avocado toast instead of the 49ers. The city became the birthplace of the 'I-love-my-city-but-not-the-traffic' movement.. Fact: San Francisco's fog is so famous that it even has its own Twitter account. Spoiler: The account is more popular than most politicians..
• Headline: VOICES: VIEWPOINT;Russia's Imbalance of Power. Impact: The political games in Russia during this election set the stage for future power struggles, ultimately leading to a resurgence of the 'strongman' trope in global politics. Who knew dictators could be so trendy?. Fact: In Russia, even the elections are a spectacle. It's like the Super Bowl, but with more vodka and fewer commercials—unless you count the state propaganda..
• Headline: Health Teachers Now Are the Experts in Sex Education Class. Impact: The elevation of health teachers as sex education experts led to an unexpected wave of awkwardness in classrooms, resulting in the invention of the 'sex ed emoji' to help kids communicate better. Spoiler: It didn't work.. Fact: Sex education classes are often considered the most awkward part of school—next to asking your crush out during lunch. At least this one comes with a syllabus..
• Headline: TRAVEL ADVISORY;An Egyptian Museum Bites the Dust. Impact: The demolition of this museum left a void in Egyptology, leading to a surge in amateur archaeologists trying to dig up ancient artifacts in their backyards. Sadly, they mostly just found old pizza boxes.. Fact: Egyptian history is so rich that even a failed museum project can spark global interest. Just think—what if the pyramids were just the original 'We were going to build something great but...'.