FEBRUARY 12, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Resilience of Steam Heat Club Explored. Impact: If Steam Heat had closed, the local economy might have spiraled into a black hole of boredom, resulting in a world where all entertainment is just knitting clubs and bingo nights. Thanks, strippers!. Fact: Did you know that the most dangerous part of visiting a strip club is the parking lot? Seriously, there are more twists and turns than a soap opera plot..
• Headline: Icicle Dangers and Winter Fun. Impact: That icicle? A potential weapon of mass destruction. It could have led to an underground icicle cult, causing chaos in the neighborhood as people worshipped the frozen monoliths.. Fact: Fun fact: Icicles are nature's way of reminding you that winter is coming... and it's not going to be pleasant..
• Headline: Richard G. Geldard Reflects on Online Banking. Impact: This brief affair with online banking could have inspired a generation of people to distrust technology, leading to a resurgence of cash-only businesses and the return of the barter system. Welcome back, medieval times!. Fact: Did you know that writing checks is actually a way to practice your handwriting? Just kidding, nobody cares about cursive anymore..
• Headline: NEIGHBORHOOD REPORT: MILL BASIN;Businesses Say A Zoning Curb Is Misguided. Impact: If zoning laws had been upheld, Mill Basin could have become a barren wasteland, sparking a new trend in urban camping and hipster guerrilla gardening. Next stop, the 'Great Urban Wilderness'!. Fact: Did you know that zoning disputes are basically the adult version of playground arguments? 'You can't build a sandcastle here!'.
• Headline: SOAPBOX;Governor, Meet My Mother. Impact: Governor Whitman's 'tough love' could have sparked a nationwide movement where parents give their children the silent treatment as a form of discipline. Talk about a recipe for family therapy!. Fact: Did you know that 'tough love' is just a euphemism for 'I have no idea how to actually parent'?.
• Headline: Proving to Mr. Dithers That It's Time for a Raise. Impact: Cathy Hoot's strategy could have inspired a corporate revolution where employees start organizing 'meetings' to ask for raises, leading to mass confusion in office dynamics and the invention of new job titles like 'Chief Asking Officer'.. Fact: Fun fact: The best way to ask for a raise is to do it when your boss is in a good mood—preferably after a three-martini lunch!.
• Headline: NEIGHBORHOOD REPORT: EAST NEW YORK/BUSHWICK;With Pool Drydocked, a Champion Team Struggles. Impact: The struggles of the Bushwick High School swimming team could have led to the invention of a new Olympic sport: synchronized complaining. Everyone would have medals, and the world would be a much more whiny place.. Fact: Did you know that swimming is the only sport where you can drown and still be considered a participant? How encouraging!.
• Headline: Apartment Hunting on the Grand Canal. Impact: If people actually started apartment hunting in Venice, it may have led to a housing crisis where tourists began squatting in gondolas, eventually forming a new society—'Gondolopolis'.. Fact: Did you know that Venice is sinking? So, basically, it's a great place to invest in property—if you like waterfront views that are literally going underwater..
• Headline: NEIGHBORHOOD REPORT: GREENWICH VILLAGE;Wanted on Washington Street. Impact: The chaos of Washington Street's traffic could have inspired a new urban planning philosophy: 'Survival of the Fittest'. Only the bravest pedestrians would cross the street, making it a tourist attraction.. Fact: Did you know that street crossing in busy cities is the real-life version of 'Frogger'? Just without the cute graphics..
• Headline: Skiing Bolivia Is High Comedy. Impact: Chacaltaya's unique skiing situation might have sparked a trend for extreme sports where people attempt to ski on every continent, leading to a bizarre competition called 'Skiing on Thin Air'.. Fact: Did you know that skiing at high altitude can lead to altitude sickness? Because nothing says fun like gasping for air while trying to look cool on the slopes!.