FEBRUARY 4, 1996

Full News Archive

• Headline: Beethoven Back at the Albany Symphony. Impact: If Beethoven had stayed in obscurity, we might still be listening to elevator music instead of the 'Ode to Joy' at every wedding. Thanks, David Alan Miller, for reminding us that classical music can also involve mushrooms and smoke machines.. Fact: Beethoven was known to be a bit of a party animal. Who knew the 'Fifth Symphony' was just a fancy way of saying 'let's get lit'?.
• Headline: Honoring the Legacy of Henry Lewis. Impact: The legacy of Henry Lewis ripples through time like a powerful bass note, inspiring future generations to pursue not just music, but also the art of making an entrance. Forget quiet exits; it's all about the dramatic flair!. Fact: Henry Lewis could make even the most mundane announcements sound like a Broadway showstopper. Ever tried announcing dinner in a deep voice? No? Just me, then..
• Headline: The Unknown Sundance Experience. Impact: This uplifting moment could be the reason why we have therapy dogs and not just therapy. Imagine if everyone got a little help from their 'mother's helper' – the world might actually be a happier place. Or at least more dog-friendly.. Fact: This story highlights the power of kindness; next time you're feeling down, maybe try talking to a plant. They can't judge your life choices!.
• Headline: In the Executive Alphabet, You Call Them C.L.O.'s. Impact: The realization that appliances are slowing down sales might have caused a butterfly effect that led to the invention of the smart fridge. Who knew a lack of toasters could lead us to a future where refrigerators tweet?. Fact: C.L.O. stands for 'Chief Lamenting Officer' in most corporations. They’re the ones who have to explain why the copier is broken again..
• Headline: Neighborhood Report;The House of David, Digitized. Impact: Rabbi Halberstam's digital showcases may have inadvertently laid the groundwork for future virtual museum tours, which means now you can enjoy the art of the past without getting off your couch. Thanks, technology!. Fact: Digital exhibits are great, but nothing beats the smell of old books and the awkwardness of shushing a group in a real museum..
• Headline: Neighborhood Report;After Bagel Factory Shuts, Workers Find New Place to Picket. Impact: This bagel factory shutdown might have sparked a new movement of labor rights, leading to the rise of artisan bagels. If only they could have gotten paid in dough.. Fact: Bagels were once considered food for the poor. Nowadays, they cost more than a small car. Welcome to the inflation of breakfast!.
• Headline: FROM THE DESK OF: RICHARD J. MAHONEY;Attention, I.R.S.: Send Us a Bill, Itemized. Impact: This meticulous attention to detail could have encouraged future generations to embrace the joys of spreadsheets, leading to an entire subculture of people whose idea of fun involves tax deductions.. Fact: Checking your bills might save you money, but it’ll also ensure you never know true happiness. You’re welcome..
• Headline: SOAPBOX;Watch Out for Mr. $22.05. Impact: The rise of a con man in Manhattan could have led to a heightened awareness of scams, resulting in a generation of New Yorkers who are now suspicious of every free sample they encounter.. Fact: New Yorkers have honed their scam-spotting skills to a fine art. If you can dodge a pigeon, you can dodge a con artist..
• Headline: Neighborhood Report;The Gritty and the Gentry Battle for a Waterfront's Soul. Impact: The clash between the gritty locals and the gentry could have set the stage for future hipster invasions. Now we have artisanal water and gluten-free air! Thanks for the upgrade, gentry.. Fact: Red Hook used to be a bustling maritime hub. Now, it's just a place where people buy overpriced coffee and take selfies near old boats..
• Headline: VIEWPOINT;Wrestling the Tax Devil We Know. Impact: This reflection on taxation may have inspired citizens to take a closer look at their wallets, prompting a future of tax protests and coffee shop discussions about fiscal responsibility.. Fact: The only thing more certain than death is taxes – unless you’re a billionaire. Then, apparently, it's just a suggestion!.