SEPTEMBER 21, 1995

Full News Archive

• Headline: Transforming Inner City Mansions into Inns. Impact: Monique Greenwood’s decision to renovate that old mansion could have led to a suburban exodus, as people flocked to the inner city for 'authentic' experiences, resulting in a hipster takeover and avocado toast on every corner.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'inner city' used to mean 'danger zone'? Now it’s just a fancy term for overpriced real estate and artisanal coffee shops. Progress!.
• Headline: Three Candidates for City Schools Chancellorship. Impact: The struggle for the chancellorship might have set off a chain reaction of bureaucratic inefficiency, leading to a future where school board meetings become three-day-long marathons of indecision and passive-aggressive PowerPoints.. Fact: Did you know that the Board of Education meetings are basically just adult versions of kids arguing over who gets the last cookie? Spoiler alert: nobody wins..
• Headline: Garden Q.& A.. Impact: The garlic question could have ignited a culinary revolution, resulting in a world where garlic is worshipped as the ultimate flavor enhancer, and vampires are forced to find new careers.. Fact: Did you know that garlic was once believed to ward off evil spirits? So, if you see a ghost, just whip out a clove. Who knew the original ghostbusters were just really bad cooks?.
• Headline: Chechnya Still Seethes With Hatred For Moscow. Impact: Abu Temirbulatov's transformation from businessman to rebel could have created an alternate timeline where Chechnya becomes the world's most popular revolution-themed tourist destination, complete with souvenir 'freedom fighter' action figures.. Fact: Did you know that conflict zones often become popular backdrops for action movies? Nothing says summer blockbuster like a little bit of geopolitical strife!.