JULY 30, 1995

Full News Archive

• Headline: Revitalizing Roosevelt: Panel Proposes Solutions. Impact: If Roosevelt had a dollar for every time someone tried to revive him, he could have funded a new New Deal. This revival led to generations of politicians trying to 'bring back' historical figures, which is why we have so many 'retro' movements today.. Fact: Did you know that even Roosevelt would be rolling his eyes at the idea of school panels? He’d probably prefer a good old-fashioned fireside chat..
• Headline: New Perspectives on American Portraiture. Impact: New ways to contemplate portraiture led directly to the invention of selfies, resulting in a world where everyone believes they deserve a portrait in the Louvre.. Fact: Did you know that contemplating portraits doesn't actually increase your IQ? But it does make for excellent Instagram captions..
• Headline: SOAPBOX; The Dog-and-Skunk Show. Impact: The Dog-and-Skunk Show became a local legend, paving the way for future reality TV disasters. The world was never ready for the 'Real Housewives of Skunkville.'. Fact: Did you know that animals have better acting skills than most reality TV stars? They don’t even need scripts!.
• Headline: RESTAURANT; Tastefully Haunted. Impact: The Metuchen Inn's gazpacho controversy sparked a nationwide debate about what 'authentic' really means, leading to a new era of food critics who will judge you for your choice of croutons.. Fact: Did you know that gazpacho is just cold soup? So basically, a culinary way to say, 'I can't even?'.
• Headline: OUT OF ORDER; Is Everyone a Hamptons Fan? Not Exactly.. Impact: The disdain for the Hamptons led to a cultural schism that created the 'not-so-Hamptons,' places where people pretend to enjoy the beach without the pretentiousness. Hello, every beach town in America!. Fact: Did you know that the Hamptons are just a fancy way of saying 'where rich people go to ignore the rest of us'?.
• Headline: A Park That Has Something for Everyone. Impact: The idea of parks with 'something for everyone' led to the gradual decline of 'something for no one' parks, which were basically just patches of grass where dreams went to die.. Fact: Did you know that parks are meant to be enjoyed? Unless you’re a pigeon – then it's just a buffet..
• Headline: New Weapons To Break Up Gangs. Impact: The introduction of new weapons against gangs inspired a series of increasingly ridiculous anti-gang strategies, proving that sometimes the only thing more dangerous than gang violence is government bureaucracy.. Fact: Did you know that 'anti-gang strategies' often include a lot of meetings and paperwork? Because nothing says 'we're serious' like a three-hour PowerPoint presentation..