JUNE 20, 1995

Full News Archive

• Headline: Florida Panthers Receive Genetic Boost. Impact: In an alternate timeline, the Florida Panthers' experiment with outside genes led to a new breed of super-intelligent panthers that eventually ran for political office. The first feline congressman introduced the 'Purrsidential Bill' which mandated catnip as a national resource.. Fact: Did you know that scientists are still debating whether outside genes or just really good snacks lead to better performance in wildlife? Spoiler: it's probably the snacks..
• Headline: Tragic Hit-and-Run Incidents in Brooklyn. Impact: The tragic deaths of Anthony Flores and the 84-year-old man sparked a massive wave of public outrage that led to the invention of self-driving cars—except they were all powered by emotional support animals to prevent any more hit-and-run incidents.. Fact: A sad reminder that it’s often the innocent who pay the price for reckless driving. But hey, at least we can all agree that no one should ever have to run away from their responsibilities… or a hit-and-run..
• Headline: Cacao's Journey from Sacred Groves. Impact: This historic moment of discovering cacao trees led to an obsession with chocolate that spiraled out of control, eventually resulting in a world where chocolate was the primary currency. The first chocolate bank opened in 1802, but it melted during a heat wave.. Fact: If you thought chocolate was just a sweet treat, think again! It’s been the cause of more love affairs than any romantic movie—at least until someone accidentally ate the last piece..