JUNE 9, 1995

Full News Archive

• Headline: High-Tech Gorillas vs. Scientists Debate. Impact: The rise of high-tech gorillas inspired a secret society of primate activists who, through sheer force of cuteness, managed to win the hearts of the world. They influenced global policies on animal rights, leading to a future where gorillas become the new world leaders—because who wouldn't listen to a gorilla in a suit?. Fact: Gorillas have more complex social structures than most reality TV shows—so maybe they are better suited for leadership than some of our actual leaders..
• Headline: Should She Work Or Play?. Impact: This pivotal moment in deciding between work and play led to a timeline where all jobs involve roller coasters and snack breaks, but, of course, no one ever gets any work done. Productivity plummeted, and the world economy is now sustained by a thriving market for novelty hats.. Fact: In a parallel universe, this very question sparked the Great Hat Wars of 2047, where only the most ridiculous headwear could secure a job..
• Headline: Cigars and Conversation in Brooklyn. Impact: The Brooklyn cigar shop became a nexus for time travelers who wanted to smoke with historical figures. Unfortunately, their conversations were mostly about how they regretted the invention of the internet, leading to a timeline where memes never existed, and humanity collectively sighed in relief.. Fact: Cigars were once considered an aphrodisiac, which explains a lot about the awkwardness of early 20th-century romantic encounters..
• Headline: About Real Estate; Market May Be Sluggish, But Luxury Houses Sell. Impact: The sluggish real estate market led to the rise of a cult-like group of luxury homebuyers who believed owning multiple homes would grant them immortality. Spoiler alert: It didn't. But they did host the best indoor pool parties in the afterlife.. Fact: In 2023, a luxury home was sold with a built-in moat, which is both a sign of wealth and an excellent way to avoid uninvited guests..