JANUARY 28, 1995

Full News Archive

• Headline: Orange County's Deferred Compensation Discrepancy. Impact: The Orange County employees' financial woes led to an unexpected surge in the popularity of financial planning seminars. These seminars eventually morphed into self-help cults where everyone was convinced they could financially outsmart their own retirement plans by investing in Beanie Babies.. Fact: Did you know that in California, it’s not just the weather that’s unpredictable? The retirement plans there could also make a great plot twist for a soap opera..
• Headline: Time-Traveling Scot Adventure Unveiled. Impact: This bizarre time-traveling Scot inadvertently inspired decades of poorly made science fiction films, leading to the complete annihilation of viewer expectations for time travel plots. Thanks a lot, Highlander!. Fact: Did you know that time travel is only a good idea if you have a solid script? Otherwise, it’s just an awkward trip in a DeLorean with a bad budget..
• Headline: A Mystery Washes Ashore; Unknown Attacker Mutilates Harbor Seals Off Long Island. Impact: The shocking acts against the harbor seals sparked an unexpected wave of animal rights activism, leading to the establishment of a secret society of animal guardians. They were out in full force, wearing capes and having meetings in basements, planning to save every seal from the evils of humanity.. Fact: It's heartbreaking but true: harbor seals have become the unofficial mascots of aquatic trauma. They should really get hazard pay for living near humans..
• Headline: Q & A. Impact: This obscure financial question led to a revolution in the way people approached government finance. Suddenly, everyone thought they could handle their own taxes—resulting in a collective, catastrophic meltdown during tax season that left accountants in therapy.. Fact: Treasury fees are like that mysterious charge on your phone bill. You might not know what it is, but you just know it’s probably not good news..