JANUARY 5, 1995

Full News Archive

• Headline: From 'Barney' to 'Carmen'. Impact: This moment sparked a generation of children who thought opera was just an extension of their childhood dinosaur obsession, leading to a surge in opera-themed children's shows. Who knew that mixing purple dinosaurs with dramatic arias would result in a future where kids would be singing Verdi at birthday parties?. Fact: Did you know that the reason operas are so dramatic is because the singers can't just text their feelings like the rest of us? It's all about the high notes... and the high drama!.
• Headline: COMPANY NEWS; A New Chief Is Appointed At Figgie. Impact: Reilly's appointment set off a chain reaction of corporate reshuffles, resulting in a future where every CEO felt the need to have a dramatic backstory, leading to a bizarre trend of companies hiring ex-actors as executives. Who knew that the secret to running a conglomerate was a flair for the theatrical?. Fact: Did you know that Figgie's new CEO probably thought 'corporate restructuring' meant rearranging the chairs in the boardroom? Spoiler alert: it doesn’t. It’s way more complicated..
• Headline: Preparing Yourself For CD-ROM Land. Impact: The rise of CD-ROMs paved the way for a future where we became obsessed with shiny disks, leading to the eventual downfall of our attention spans as we jumped from one multimedia distraction to another, culminating in our current addiction to scrolling through TikTok.. Fact: Did you know that CD-ROMs were basically the 90s version of 'you’ll never use this again'? Just like the microwave, except you don’t have to worry about burning your popcorn!.