AUGUST 24, 1994

Full News Archive

• Headline: Justice and Donkeys in Medieval Paris. Impact: This idealistic lawyer's quest for justice led to the founding of the first 'Donkey Defense Fund' in 1402, forever changing the legal landscape for animals. Now, every time someone yells 'donkey!' in court, a lawyer somewhere is laughing all the way to the bank.. Fact: Did you know that medieval lawyers often relied on donkeys for transportation? They were the original 'law-mobiles'—much cheaper than a Tesla!.
• Headline: News Corp Expands Presence in NYC. Impact: This real estate expansion marked the beginning of the corporate pyramid scheme that led to the creation of the 'Office Space' cult. If only they had known that all that extra space would eventually just be filled with chairs no one sits in!. Fact: Fun fact: Rupert Murdoch's office is so large that it comes with its own zip code. I guess that’s one way to avoid traffic—just create your own city!.
• Headline: Tony Gwynn's Historic Pursuit of .400. Impact: Tony Gwynn's relentless pursuit of a perfect batting average led to a nationwide obsession with stats, ultimately resulting in fantasy baseball leagues that now consume an entire generation's weekends. Thanks, Tony, for making us all experts in something that doesn't matter.. Fact: Did you know that Tony Gwynn could hit a baseball better than most can hit the snooze button? Let's just say he was the only person ever to turn 'sleeping in' into a competitive sport..
• Headline: COMPANY NEWS; Restaurant Chain Agrees To Takeover. Impact: The takeover of Ground Round Restaurants initiated a culinary revolution that led to the creation of the 'family restaurant' genre. This, in turn, resulted in an explosion of questionable menus and an alarming number of kids' birthday parties in restaurants with animatronic animals.. Fact: Did you know that Ground Round was once so popular that they had to hire a bouncer just to keep the clowns away? Apparently, no one wants balloon animals at their steak dinner!.