FEBRUARY 20, 1994

Full News Archive

• Headline: Analyzing Workfare and Welfare Reform. Impact: If only we had made all welfare recipients juggle flaming swords instead, we might have ended poverty by turning it into a circus act. Who knew a little workfare could lead to a nationwide talent show?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing harder than reforming welfare is trying to explain what workfare actually means? Good luck with that!.
• Headline: ART; Alternative Art Spaces: Survival Of the Nimblest. Impact: The rise of alternative art spaces paved the way for a future where everyone thinks they're an artist, leading to a society filled with bizarre installations and a lot of confused gallery-goers.. Fact: Did you know that before this art explosion, the only thing more alternative than these spaces was a hipster's choice of coffee? Now we have both!.
• Headline: POP MUSIC; Behind the Scenes With A Rock Impresario. Impact: Richard Flanzer's intercom moment with Eddie Vedder set off a chain reaction that ultimately led to the creation of countless awful rock documentaries, forever ruining our perception of rock stars.. Fact: Fun fact: if you listen closely, you can hear the sound of rock 'n' roll dreams shattering every time someone mentions 'behind the scenes.'.
• Headline: BACKTALK; Swimsuit Models or Victim Stories, Who Will Cover for Me?. Impact: The swimsuit issue triggered a psychological phenomenon where millions of people started questioning their life choices while obsessing over models, leading to a collective existential crisis in the summer months.. Fact: Did you know that many fridge magnets are now just a way to hold the Sports Illustrated cover in place while you ponder your life choices? Irony at its finest!.
• Headline: Housing Experts Say It's a Good Time to Buy. Impact: This housing expert proclamation resulted in a nationwide frenzy where everyone suddenly thought they were a real estate guru, leading to a boom in DIY home renovation shows that no one asked for.. Fact: Did you know that convincing people it's a good time to buy is like convincing a cat to take a bath? Good luck with that!.
• Headline: MUSIC; Performances to Emphasize the History and the Scope of Jazz. Impact: Jazz performances from this week eventually inspired a secret society of jazz musicians who believed they could communicate with each other through spontaneous improvisation, resulting in a global jam session.. Fact: Fun fact: jazz is the only music genre where 'winging it' is considered a talent. Just ask any saxophonist!.
• Headline: New Horizons Beckon Beyond City Limits. Impact: Devon Huggins' corn-pounding skills may have inspired future generations to explore ancient techniques, leading to a fad of artisanal corn products that took the culinary world by storm.. Fact: Did you know that crushing corn kernels is a lot like life? It’s all about how hard you pound them!.
• Headline: DINING OUT; Eclectic American and a Skyline View. Impact: The riverside restaurant's consistency became a metaphor for life itself, leading to a worldwide acceptance of mediocrity as long as the view is nice.. Fact: Did you know that the skyline view is actually what keeps people from noticing the food is just 'meh'? It’s a culinary magic trick!.