JANUARY 21, 1994

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cooperative Lawsuit Over Apartment Maintenance Fees. Impact: If only those five investors had paid their maintenance fees on time, perhaps Manhattan would have avoided a real estate crisis that led to the rise of overpriced shoebox apartments. Thanks a lot, guys. Now we're stuck paying $4,000 a month for a closet.. Fact: Did you know that in Manhattan, the only thing more expensive than real estate is the therapy required to cope with the stress of affording it?.
• Headline: 49ers Defense Under Scrutiny Ahead of Championship. Impact: George Seifert's vague dissatisfaction with the 49er defense sent a ripple effect through the NFL, leading future coaches to adopt the art of saying absolutely nothing while demanding their players perform like superheroes. The league now thrives on ambiguity.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Not totally satisfied' is actually the official motto of every coach in professional sports since the dawn of time. Look it up!.
• Headline: Vancouver's Complex Love Triangle Explored. Impact: The empty drama of 'One Man, Two Women' created a blueprint for all future love triangles in cinema, ultimately leading to a cultural obsession with cringeworthy romantic comedies that assault our senses even today. Thanks for that!. Fact: Did you know that the term 'empty drama' is often used to describe both this film and the plot of every reality TV show ever created?.
• Headline: U.S. Offers Trade Plan On Germany. Impact: This trade plan on Germany not only aimed to boost American exports but inadvertently kickstarted a never-ending cycle of trade agreements that left us all wondering if we were voting for politicians or salespeople. Spoiler alert: it was both.. Fact: Did you know that trade plans are like a first date? They promise a lot, but you’re never quite sure if it will lead to anything meaningful, or just an awkward silence over dinner?.
• Headline: COMPANY REPORTS; AST's Strong Results Propel Stock. Impact: AST Research Inc.'s strong results sent shockwaves through the tech industry, leading to the rise of countless overhyped startups that promised to change the world but ended up just changing the way we say 'sorry, we’re out of funding'.. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'better-than-expected results' is corporate speak for 'we were actually just guessing and it somehow worked out.'.