JANUARY 17, 1994

Full News Archive

• Headline: Senator Dole's Investigation Decision. Impact: If Senator Dole had actually followed through, we might have seen a reality where Congressional investigations became as common as cat videos on the internet. Perhaps this led to Congress focusing on less important matters—like naming post offices and debating snack preferences.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'special counsel' is just a fancy way of saying, 'we're going to investigate ourselves and nothing will change?'.
• Headline: Examining Vigilantism in Modern Media. Impact: This film may have inspired a generation of vigilantes who realized they could just put on a mask and act like they were in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Hence, the rise of amateur crime-fighting clubs that mostly just meet for pizza.. Fact: Fun fact: Despite the moral complexities of vigilante justice, the only thing people really learned was how to make a mean popcorn at home..
• Headline: Seminoles Fall Despite Ward's Return. Impact: Charlie Ward's comeback might have inspired countless 'returning from retirement' stories, leading to a rise in mid-life crises where people think they can jump back into their high school hobbies. Spoiler alert: they can't.. Fact: Did you know that Charlie Ward played basketball and football in college? He was basically the overachiever we all love to hate!.