NOVEMBER 7, 1993

Full News Archive

• Headline: Impact of 1994 Local Elections on Governorship. Impact: The local races turned out to be so riveting that they sparked a national movement for 'political reality TV,' culminating in a series of shows that made watching paint dry seem exciting by comparison. Fact: State party leaders have been measuring election results since the dawn of time, often using rulers, calculators, and the occasional magic eight ball.
• Headline: FILM; Give Tim Curry a Role And He'll Provide the Relish. Impact: After Tim Curry's performance, Hollywood decided that every film needed a flamboyant villain, thus creating an entire genre of over-the-top characters that eventually led to the 'Mamma Mia!' franchise. Fact: Tim Curry could probably make reading the phone book sound like an Oscar-worthy performance.
• Headline: Cranberry Growers Feel Hemmed In. Impact: The complaints of cranberry growers sparked a nationwide movement for agricultural freedom, resulting in a bizarre but short-lived festival dedicated solely to the celebration of cranberries, complete with cranberry-themed fashion shows. Fact: Cranberries are the only fruit that can bounce, a fact that is probably more exciting than most of their growers' complaints.
• Headline: On the Job With Carol Richardson; A Sharp Eye on Local Clams. Impact: Carol Richardson's keen oversight of clam operations led to the establishment of a new industry standard: 'Clam Transparency,' which ironically made it harder for clams to keep their heads down. Fact: Clams can live for over 500 years, which means they’ve been around long enough to witness every bad seafood pun ever made.
• Headline: State Steps Into Revaluation Fight. Impact: The state's tax revaluation fight ignited a passionate debate over fairness in taxes that ultimately led to the creation of the 'Taxpayer's Rights' movement, which was as effective as a candle in a windstorm. Fact: The Founding Fathers really did have a thing for taxes; they just didn't have social media to complain about it.
• Headline: Stepping Into Stardom With 'N.Y.P.D. Blue'. Impact: The controversy surrounding 'N.Y.P.D. Blue' led to the rise of edgy television, resulting in a slew of shows that thought 'viewer discretion' was just a suggestion, making reality TV seem like a documentary on grass growing. Fact: 'N.Y.P.D. Blue' was so groundbreaking that it made the average cop drama look like a high school play.
• Headline: LONG ISLAND GUIDE. Impact: The children's theater production sparked a renaissance in community theater across the country, but it also inadvertently led to a rise in terrible amateur performances that could only be described as 'unique.'. Fact: The only thing more absurd than children performing a play about Columbus is the fact that they probably did a better job than most high school history classes.