OCTOBER 17, 1993

Full News Archive

• Headline: Altman's Tribute to Carver's Stories. Impact: If only Altman had picked up a manual on how to make a decent sequel, we might be living in a world where every film adaptation improves on the original. Instead, we got a generation of 'based on' movies that are more like 'loosely inspired by'—thank you, Robert. Fact: Did you know that Altman's 'Short Cuts' is like a cinematic buffet? You leave feeling full, but you also question your life choices.
• Headline: Restoration of Historic Deepwells Mansion. Impact: This mansion's facelift will likely inspire a wave of other historical restorations, leading to a national obsession with home renovation shows—because who doesn't want to see a crumbling castle turned into a Pinterest board?. Fact: Did you know that Deepwells is so old, it probably has more historical secrets than your high school yearbook?.
• Headline: Viewpoints; Foreign Business: Soccer Spoken Here. Impact: By emphasizing soccer in America's global strategy, we may inadvertently pave the way for a future where diplomats communicate solely through penalty kicks and yellow cards. Welcome to international relations, soccer-style!. Fact: Did you know that soccer is the only sport where you can be a millionaire while simultaneously getting yelled at by a toddler for not sharing?.
• Headline: FORAGING; Mining One of the Woolworths Still Left. Impact: As Woolworths vanish, the last few remaining stores will become the new archaeological sites, complete with desperate historians trying to explain why people used to buy socks and candy in the same place. Fact: Did you know that the last Woolworth's was so nostalgic that it was basically a museum for the 'good old days'—you know, when you could buy a burger and a record in the same trip?.
• Headline: A Young Volunteer With a Gift for Giving. Impact: Kristen Belanger's altruism will likely inspire a new generation of 'volunteer influencers,' leading to a world where every act of kindness is hashtagged #HelpingHands and broadcast live on social media. Watch out, world!. Fact: Did you know that volunteering is like a social media trend? You get a ton of likes for doing good, but no one mentions the hours you spent sorting clothes in a musty basement.
• Headline: ART; Photographers as Social Commentators. Impact: By showcasing photographers as social commentators, this exhibit may spark a future where Instagram influencers claim they are documenting the human condition—right before posting their avocado toast. Fact: Did you know that Lewis W. Hine's work was so powerful it could make you rethink your entire existence? Not that anyone would, because, you know, Instagram.
• Headline: The Towering Spires of Auxerre. Impact: The Auxerre countryside's gentle slopes may inspire future landscape artists to abandon all notions of rugged terrain, leading to an entire movement of 'flat painting'—because who needs drama when you have subtlety?. Fact: Did you know that Auxerre is so flat that if you dropped a pencil, it would probably roll away for miles before stopping? Good luck with that art project!.