AUGUST 1, 1993

Full News Archive

• Headline: Unique Seafood Dining Experience in Colts Neck. Impact: If this seafood menu had featured a mermaid as a special dish, it might have sparked the Great Mermaid Rights Movement of 2045, leading to a new world order where fish and humans co-exist in harmony. Or something like that. Fact: Seafood restaurants have been known to cause serious indecision in diners. It's a well-documented phenomenon called 'the menu paralysis.'.
• Headline: Dinosaurs at Yale's Peabody Museum. Impact: Had this museum displayed a dinosaur skeleton with a unicorn horn, it could have ignited a prehistoric fantasy renaissance, leading to a whole new genre of literature: 'Dino-Fantasy.'. Fact: Dinosaurs roamed the Earth for about 165 million years, which is roughly 164,999,999 years longer than most of our New Year’s resolutions last.
• Headline: Viewpoints; World Bank Needs a Wake-Up Call. Impact: This call for a wake-up at the World Bank might have triggered them to accidentally fund a reality show instead of poverty reduction, leading to an entirely new genre of 'Banking with the Stars.'. Fact: The World Bank's logo should probably include a sleep mask since they seem to be perpetually snoozing on the job when it comes to real issues.
• Headline: World Markets; Australia's Small Investors Are Back. Impact: The resurgence of small investors in Australia could have led to an unforeseen economic boom in 2025, which would ultimately be recognized as the 'Great Aussie Comeback'—not to be confused with the Great Wallaby Rebellion. Fact: Small investors are like cockroaches; they always bounce back no matter how many market crashes they face. Just kidding, please don't take that literally.
• Headline: ART; Challenges, Surprises and Realism In Four Shows in the Hamptons. Impact: These four art shows might have inadvertently launched a movement where everyone tried to interpret art as a personal therapy session, resulting in a new form of therapy called 'Art-therapy-bation.'. Fact: Art critics often say they can 'read' a painting like a book. I’m still trying to figure out if that means I need glasses or just better taste.
• Headline: Viewpoints; Nothing Else Has Worked. Buy Black.. Impact: This commentary on buying Black could have sparked a global 'Buy Local' movement, ultimately resulting in a world where everyone only shops at their neighbor’s garage sales. Fact: Buying local is a great way to support your community... and to ensure that your neighbor has enough strange antiques to fill a museum.
• Headline: World Team Tennis League: a Long, Hard Climb. Impact: The World Team Tennis League's popularity might have led to televised matches where the players were required to wear costumes, causing a renaissance in tennis fashion by 2025. Think: 'Tennis meets Halloween.'. Fact: Billie Jean King once said, 'Pressure is a privilege.' But I say, pressure is just the universe’s way of telling you to have a glass of wine and watch Netflix instead.