JULY 18, 1993

Full News Archive

• Headline: Stratford's Toxic Waste Struggles. Impact: In a parallel universe, the toxic waste saga leads to the rise of supervillains who gain powers from exposure. One such villain, Captain Contamination, ends up running for mayor and loses to a raccoon, sparking the Great Raccoon Uprising of 2035.. Fact: Toxic waste management is basically just a really expensive game of 'hot potato' but with hazardous materials. No one wants to be the last one holding the bag!.
• Headline: Radio Promotes Connecticut Authors. Impact: The rise of radio as a literary platform creates a time loop where authors become so famous that they must time travel to avoid their own fan clubs. Mark Twain spends his days pranking future readers with misleading tweets.. Fact: Before the internet, people had to actually listen to the radio for entertainment. Can you imagine? No memes, just good ol' fashioned awkward silence between songs..
• Headline: Lisbon's Vibrant Street Life. Impact: The tram system in Lisbon becomes a UNESCO World Heritage site, leading to a global obsession with trams, causing a sudden shortage of tram drivers and the emergence of a new sport: extreme tram racing.. Fact: Lisbon's trams are so iconic that they could probably run for office. They have more character than most politicians!.
• Headline: What to Plant? No Easy Answer. Impact: The debate on tree planting inspires a faction of 'Tree-volutionaries' who believe they can communicate with trees. They end up forming a cult that believes the trees are plotting world domination, leading to a series of awkward negotiations with oak trees.. Fact: Planting a tree is one of the few decisions you can make that might outlast you—unless you forget to water it, in which case, RIP little sapling..
• Headline: When Soup's Service Was Taken Seriously. Impact: The evolution of soup bowls leads to an international soup bowl design contest, where the winning entry is a bowl that doubles as a portable hot tub. This shifts culinary culture forever, sparking a trend in soup-themed spa retreats.. Fact: In prehistoric times, soup was served in whatever container people could find. I guess that’s why it’s called 'primitive' cuisine..
• Headline: ART; 3 Shows Highlight 6 Decades of Dorothy Dehner. Impact: Dorothy Dehner's continued work inspires a new wave of artists who believe that they can create art at any age. This results in a movement called 'Art at Any Age,' where toddlers and seniors start competing for art grants, leading to a fierce rivalry.. Fact: Dorothy Dehner is 91 and still making art. Meanwhile, I can barely finish a coloring book without getting distracted..
• Headline: New Immigrants Catch the Eye of Business. Impact: The influx of immigrants sparks a new trend in gourmet cuisine, where chefs blend traditional recipes with unexpected ingredients. This leads to the infamous 'Avocado Pizza' craze of 2025, which the world still hasn’t forgiven.. Fact: Immigrants have long been the backbone of culinary innovation. Without them, we would still be eating only bland, 'traditional' food... like plain rice..
• Headline: At 78, Alan Lomax Returns to His Professional Folklore Roots. Impact: Alan Lomax's dedication to folklore inspires a revival of interest in oral traditions, leading to a global trend of people gathering in public spaces to share embarrassing family stories. This culminates in the 'Annual Awkward Family Gathering Day.'. Fact: Lomax was so dedicated to folklore that he practically invented the 'awkward family story' genre, long before social media made it a global phenomenon..
• Headline: Pine Barrens Effort Plans First Steps. Impact: The preservation of the Pine Barrens inspires a generation of environmentalists who believe they can summon nature spirits. This leads to the rise of eco-spirituality, where people hold rituals in the woods that annoy the actual wildlife.. Fact: Saving 50,000 acres is great, but can we also save ourselves from the 'nature spirits' who keep asking us to stop using plastic straws?.
• Headline: Pennsylvania Station Puts On a Smiling Face. Impact: The renovations at Pennsylvania Station inspire other stations worldwide to adopt a cheerful facade, leading to a bizarre trend where train stations become the new hipster cafes, complete with artisanal coffee and live music.. Fact: Penn Station is getting a facelift, but let’s be honest—it could use a whole new personality while we’re at it..