JULY 16, 1993

Full News Archive

• Headline: Father, Daughter, and Murderous Reunion. Impact: The daughter’s betrayal led to a series of father-daughter conflicts that inspired countless reality shows and a new genre of therapy, proving that familial bonds can be just as toxic as they are loving. If only they had a reality TV contract at the time!. Fact: Did you know that this film was so wooden, it nearly got cast as lumber in a construction project? Talk about a plot twist!.
• Headline: Heartwarming Encounter: Boy and Orca. Impact: The boy's friendship with an orca sparked a global movement for animal rights, leading to the rise of marine biologists who later discovered that orcas have a better grasp of emotional intelligence than most adult humans. Bye-bye, therapy sessions!. Fact: Fun fact: This movie was so popular that it inspired several children to attempt to swim with orcas, which, spoiler alert, did not end well for the children involved..
• Headline: Bette Midler's Witchy Halloween Review. Impact: This film not only solidified Bette Midler's status as a Halloween icon but also sparked a surge in witch-themed merchandise, leading to an entire industry dedicated to overpriced broomsticks and potion kits. Who knew witchcraft could be so lucrative?. Fact: Did you know that the makeup used was so heavy that it actually doubled as a protective shield against bad reviews? Talk about multi-purpose!.
• Headline: Nonlawyers Claim a Growing Swath of Legal Turf. Impact: When nonlawyers started encroaching on legal turf, it led to a massive upheaval in the legal profession, ultimately resulting in the creation of a reality show called 'Lawyers vs. Nonlawyers: The Ultimate Showdown.' Spoiler: no one won.. Fact: Did you know that many of these 'nonlawyers' actually just Googled legal advice before offering it? Harvard Law, eat your heart out!.
• Headline: Testimony in '82 on Salvador Criticized. Impact: The criticism of the State Department's handling of the Salvadoran massacre led to a domino effect of accountability measures, eventually resulting in stricter protocols that no one followed anyway. It’s like having rules in a game nobody plays!. Fact: Fun fact: This report was so scathing it could have been mistaken for a fiery Yelp review about a restaurant that served bad food and cold service..
• Headline: COMPANY NEWS; PPG Selects An Outsider As New Chief. Impact: The appointment of an outsider as chief of PPG Industries initiated a trend of companies hiring from outside their industry, resulting in a slew of disastrous decisions, including an ice cream man heading a tech firm. Innovation? More like a recipe for chaos.. Fact: Did you know that the ‘outsider’ was actually just a guy who once bought a paint can at Home Depot? Talk about qualifications!.
• Headline: Log Cabin Development; A Campsite Plan Draws Mixed Reviews. Impact: The mixed reception of the log cabin development prompted an unforeseen backlash resulting in the rise of hipster camping, where people paid premium prices to sleep in glorified tents crafted by artisanal woodworkers. Because who doesn’t want to pay to rough it?. Fact: Did you know that the 400-room hotel-conference center was initially proposed to have a giant slide connecting it to the golf course? Now that would have drawn a crowd!.