MARCH 7, 1993

Full News Archive

• Headline: Eakins Portrait: Art's Timeless Journey. Impact: Art enthusiasts, in an attempt to decode Eakins’ brushstrokes, accidentally invent a new form of interpretive dance, leading to a global phenomenon where museums become dance studios. Who knew art could moonwalk?. Fact: Eakins once said, 'Art is the most beautiful of all lies.' So, basically, he was a master of deception before it was cool..
• Headline: Turning Settlements into Business Ventures. Impact: The insurance freeze prompted a secret cabal of lawyers to form a 'Settlement Syndicate', leading to the creation of an underground economy where accident victims barter for survival with pizza coupons.. Fact: In a shocking twist, lawyers became the new brokers of hope—because who needs compassion when you have a law degree?.
• Headline: New Measures for Women's Safety in NJ. Impact: As awareness spread, a butterfly flapped its wings in New Jersey, and suddenly, men everywhere started taking self-defense classes, causing a spike in karate studios and a sharp increase in uncoordinated roundhouse kicks.. Fact: If only we could kick violence out of existence as easily as some men kick over their own feet during self-defense classes!.
• Headline: DANCE; Choreographing the History of a People. Impact: Rodriguez's choreography reverberated through time, leading to a bizarre future where dance battles are settled via high-stakes historical reenactments. Is that a pirouette or a peace treaty?. Fact: The indigenous Taino people would probably be baffled by modern dance—'Wait, you mean you didn’t just use it as a form of communication?'.
• Headline: Viewpoints; Clinton on Trade: The Labels Don't Fit. Impact: Clinton's trade speech sparked a series of debates where people realized they could label themselves as 'trade intellectuals' based on how many times they could use the phrase 'global economy' without breaking a sweat.. Fact: The only thing more confusing than Clinton's trade philosophy is trying to explain it to a toddler—'No, sweetie, we don’t trade toys for feelings!'.
• Headline: WHAT'S DOING IN; Baltimore. Impact: The use of 'hon' in Baltimore became so widespread that it was eventually recognized as a new dialect, leading to a bizarre linguistic phenomenon where tourists could no longer ask for directions without sounding like they were auditioning for a sitcom.. Fact: Fun fact: 'hon' is actually a term of endearment in Baltimore, which means you can call just about anyone 'hon' and get away with it—try that in New York and see how fast you get a taxi to the face..
• Headline: North Carolina's Cradle of the Colonies. Impact: The picturesque view from Bonner Point led to a wave of romantic getaways, resulting in the world's first historical-themed couple's retreat where participants reenact pirate battles while wearing matching outfits.. Fact: Captain Edward Teach, aka Blackbeard, was known for his fearsome reputation, but little did he know centuries later, people would be dressing up as him for Instagram likes..