JUNE 14, 1992

Full News Archive

• Headline: Explore Long Island's Garden Tours. Impact: These garden tours might seem innocuous, but what if one enthusiastic gardener accidentally discovered a new type of plant? Suddenly, we have a botanical revolution, and the entire world is ruled by sentient flowers. Thanks, Long Island.. Fact: Fun fact: Gardening is one of the few activities where you can dig in the dirt and not get judged for it. Unless you’re digging up your neighbor's prized roses, then you’re just asking for a garden war..
• Headline: Zebra Mussels: An Invasive Crisis. Impact: Zebra mussels are like the uninvited guests of the aquatic world. One little hitchhiker on a boat could lead to a full-blown invasion, causing power plants to consider switching to solar energy just to avoid the little critters. Thanks, nature!. Fact: Did you know that zebra mussels can multiply like rabbits? One day they're just a few, and the next, they’re throwing a rave in your local lake. Party on, you crazy mussels!.
• Headline: School Districts Encounter a Large Turnover in Superintendents. Impact: The mass exodus of school superintendents could lead to a nationwide shortage of people willing to deal with a budget as tight as a pair of skinny jeans. We might end up with a reality show: 'Superintendent Survivor: Who Can Last the Longest?'. Fact: Did you know that the average superintendent's job resembles herding cats? Except the cats are angry parents, budget cuts, and those pesky state regulations. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: After 16 Years, a Tombstone Returns. Impact: The return of a tombstone after 16 years could mean one of two things: either someone really missed visiting their great-great-uncle, or the ghost of that uncle is now haunting the local post office for not delivering his mail on time. Spooky business.. Fact: Did you know that some tombstones are more well-traveled than some people? At least they get to rest in peace at their final destination, unlike us who are stuck in traffic..
• Headline: FORUM; The S.E.C. Misses on Mutual Funds. Impact: The S.E.C.'s missed opportunity could lead to a financial crisis that makes 2008 look like a picnic. Imagine a world where mutual funds are as wacky as a reality TV show – 'Keeping Up with the Capitalists!'. Fact: Did you know that the S.E.C. has been rewriting mutual fund rules since the dawn of time? Okay, maybe not that long, but it sure feels like it. At this rate, they’ll need to start using hieroglyphics to explain everything..
• Headline: An Innovative Newman on Display. Impact: The installation of a giant art piece could spark a modern art revolution, leading to a worldwide trend of construction cranes being used as art installations. Next thing you know, we’ll be holding a ‘Cranes in Art’ festival!. Fact: Did you know that art can be subjective? One person's masterpiece is another person's 'what on earth is that?' It's all about perspective, or just a lack of caffeine..
• Headline: Little League Promotes Its Expansion Teams. Impact: The promotion of expansion teams could lead to a future where every child is convinced they’re the next baseball prodigy. Soon, we’ll have so many leagues, the only thing left to do will be to hold a championship between all the losers. Yay, participation!. Fact: Did you know that being called 'Rocket Arm' is just the start? Next, Eric will be hitting home runs that travel so far they could be mistaken for UFOs. Watch out, NASA!.
• Headline: Colorado's Sky-High Retreat. Impact: The sky-high retreat in Colorado could inspire a new trend of million-dollar mountain hideaways, leading to a real estate crisis where only the rich can afford to 'get away from it all.' It’s like a modern-day Thoreau, but with Wi-Fi.. Fact: Did you know that retreats are just fancy ways of saying 'I need a break from the chaos I created'? Because nothing says relaxation like being in a secluded location with no cell service..
• Headline: BACKTALK; Pro Football Needs a Real Labor Union. Impact: A real labor union for pro football? Imagine the players unionizing, demanding snack breaks and nap time during games. Next, we’ll have referees being replaced by life coaches!. Fact: Did you know that football players are some of the toughest people on the planet? Just not tough enough to negotiate their way out of a bad contract. Oops!.