MAY 23, 1992

Full News Archive

• Headline: Irish Love Story in Historical Epic. Impact: If only that poor Irish lad had stayed home, we might have avoided the entire genre of romantic dramas that plague us to this day. I mean, who wouldn't want a world without 'epic' love stories that drag on longer than a family reunion?. Fact: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman starred together, proving that even Hollywood power couples can have a dull moment. Who knew love stories could be so... snoozy?.
• Headline: Caveman's Wild Prom Night Experience. Impact: The thawing of this caveman may have sparked the idea that every high school needs a mascot – enter the modern-day trend of using the most bizarre creatures, thus giving rise to the 'random animal as school mascot' phenomenon.. Fact: Despite being a caveman, this character probably had more social skills than some high schoolers today. The real tragedy? No one taught him how to use a smartphone..
• Headline: Exploring Alien 3's Unique Narrative. Impact: Alien 3 set a precedent for the 'someone is always in danger on an isolated planet' trope that led to an explosion of sci-fi horror films. Thanks a lot, Ripley; now we're stuck with endless sequels and reboots!. Fact: Fun fact: Ripley is the sole woman on a prison planet, which is ironically the same number of women directors in certain Hollywood studios during that time..
• Headline: Review/Film; Technique! Allusion! Leitmotif!. Impact: This film may have inadvertently inspired writers to create pro-Nazi propaganda in the worst possible way, reminding us that creativity can sometimes lead down very dark paths. Who knew art could be so... problematic?. Fact: The only thing more eerie than the film's intrigue is the fact that some film students still think allusions to Nazis are 'deep' storytelling. Spoiler: they're not..
• Headline: COMPANY NEWS; Optimism And Caution At Xerox. Impact: The 'caution' in Xerox's optimism may have led to a century-long wait for the perfect office technology, ultimately causing an avalanche of paper cuts and existential crises in workplaces everywhere.. Fact: Xerox's resurgence is like trying to bring back floppy disks – it's cute, but we all know how that's going to end. Spoiler: it’s not going to end well..
• Headline: About Real Estate; A Financing Deal for East Side Co-ops. Impact: This financing deal likely fueled the co-op craze, leading to an influx of brunch spots and artisanal coffee shops that would later suffocate the original charm of the Upper East Side. Thanks for that!. Fact: The idea of special incentives for buyers would eventually lead to the classic 'buy one, get one free' deal for overpriced avocado toast. Who knew real estate could be so deliciously ironic?.