MAY 3, 1992

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ridesharing Initiative to Avoid Fund Cuts. Impact: If only commuters had listened back then, we might have solved climate change by now! Instead, they just kept driving their SUVs, leading to the invention of the electric car... which ironically is still plugged into fossil fuels.. Fact: Fun fact: If every Long Islander carpooled just once, it would reduce traffic so much that people would actually have time to consider the meaning of life… or at least what to binge-watch next..
• Headline: Emphasizing Values in Education. Impact: Evelyn Stock's quest for values in education sparked a nationwide debate that eventually led to every school board in America being filled with people who couldn't agree on what day it was, let alone what values to teach.. Fact: Did you know that teaching values in schools is often as successful as teaching cats to fetch? Spoiler alert: it doesn't really work..
• Headline: Cultural Exchange Event at Long Wharf Theater. Impact: Arvin Brown's push for artistic freshness inspired countless theater directors to risk their reputations on avant-garde performances, resulting in a brief but bewildering trend of interpretive dance about the existential dread of laundry.. Fact: Fun fact: The Long Wharf Theater's motto should probably be 'Fall on your face, but make it art!'.
• Headline: New Entrepreneurs Enter Burgeoning Wine Market. Impact: Mark and Kathy Lieb's foray into winemaking spawned a generation of hipster vineyards, leading to a global obsession with organic, gluten-free, artisanal wines that taste like dirt but are marketed as 'vintage soil essence.'. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more pretentious than a wine enthusiast is a wine enthusiast who doesn’t even like wine but insists on being a 'connoisseur.'.
• Headline: Discoveries in and Around Prague. Impact: The gardening traditions in Bohemia led to an underground gardening revolution where plants were secretly taught to speak, resulting in the world's first plant-led protest demanding more sunlight and less weeding.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'green thumb' originated from people who gardened so much they literally turned their fingers into chlorophyll? It’s a real thing… or is it?.
• Headline: Your Own Account; Missing Assets? Try the State. Impact: The inquiry about missing assets triggered a nationwide scavenger hunt for lost policies, leading to a booming industry of private detectives specializing in tracking down 89-year-old life insurance policies. Spoiler alert: they’re usually in the attic.. Fact: Pro tip: If you ever lose track of something valuable, just assume it’s hiding in the last place you’d think to look… like your own memory..
• Headline: Your Own Account; Missing Assets? Try the State. Impact: The lecture by Boone Pickens set off a chain reaction of oil tycoons trying to lecture on ethics, leading to the creation of a new genre of motivational speeches: 'How to Make Billions While Pretending to Care.'. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more inflated than an oil tycoon's ego is the price of gas after a 'management lecture.'.
• Headline: NEW JERSEY GUIDE.