FEBRUARY 23, 1992

Full News Archive

• Headline: North Fork Zoning Plans Under Discussion. Impact: If zoning plans were balanced, perhaps we wouldn’t have a dystopian future where vineyards are replaced by sprawling strip malls selling overpriced avocado toast. Thanks, North Fork Group, for steering us clear of that disaster!. Fact: Did you know that zoning laws are like the dress code of a neighborhood? They tell you what is and isn’t allowed, but usually lead to heated debates that are just as controversial as the latest fashion trends..
• Headline: Accelerated Nursing Programs for Future RNs. Impact: Accelerating nursing degrees meant that nurses could rush into the profession, which in turn led to a nationwide shortage of band-aids. Who knew nursing could affect the supply chain of first aid supplies?. Fact: Fun fact: In the '80s, fitness was so popular that even personal trainers were wearing scrubs. Talk about multitasking!.
• Headline: Struggles of Immigrants Seeking Legal Status. Impact: The years-long wait for legal status likely created a generation of superhuman patience among immigrants. Imagine if that patience had been harnessed into a superpower! The world would be a lot more zen.. Fact: Did you know that the price of chicken can be a substantial motivator for immigration? If only they'd known about the cost of avocados in America!.
• Headline: As Rates Fall, Homeowners Are Rushing To Refinance. Impact: Refinancing homes at lower rates could be the reason behind the rise of DIY home improvement shows. Homeowners were suddenly too rich in savings to ignore the mess in their basements!. Fact: Did you know that refinancing is just another way to say 'I’m still not happy with my financial choices' but with a smile because your monthly payments are lower?.
• Headline: ART; 'Culture Bites,' Slices of Modern Life, in New London. Impact: The 'Culture Bites' exhibition might be the reason for the resurgence of hipsters who believe they can find deeper meaning in toast. Thanks, modern art, for inspiring overpriced brunch menus!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing sharper than a modern artist's critique is their haircut?.
• Headline: Classic Children's Tales Get Star Treatment. Impact: The Grammy nominations for children’s tales led to a generation of kids believing they could also become rock stars. This explains why so many toddlers were found with makeshift microphones in their cribs.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more dramatic than a children's tale is the tantrum that follows when they don’t get the ending they wanted?.
• Headline: Synagogue Rallies Behind Its Cookbook. Impact: The success of the synagogue's cookbook likely encouraged more communities to publish their own cookbooks, unintentionally starting the Great Cookbook Wars of the 21st Century. May the best matzo ball win!. Fact: Did you know that every community cookbook comes with at least one recipe for potato kugel, a dish that is both delicious and a test of endurance?.
• Headline: LONG ISLAND GUIDE. Impact: Family Fun Days at parks lead to families overestimating their children’s stamina. By the end of the day, parents are left wondering why they thought a full day of fun was a good idea.. Fact: Did you know that 'Family Fun Day' is code for 'Parents, prepare to be exhausted while your kids run wild!'?.