OCTOBER 4, 1991

Full News Archive

• Headline: Reclaiming Brooklyn's Vacant Land. Impact: The construction of these low-cost row houses led to the gentrification of Brooklyn, forcing hipsters to choose between artisanal coffee shops and affordable rent. Who knew affordable housing could spark a latte war?. Fact: Did you know that 'reclaiming vacant land' is just a fancy way of saying 'we're going to put something here that costs way too much for you to afford'?.
• Headline: Landlord Experiences Tenants' Justice. Impact: This landlord's forced residency resulted in a new trend of landlords actually experiencing the joys of being a tenant. This inspired a reality show where landlords had to live in their own properties—ratings soared when a pipe burst in episode one.. Fact: So, living in your own building is supposed to be a punishment? Can I sign up for that? I could use a change of scenery!.
• Headline: Rock 'n' Roll Meets Wayward Boys. Impact: This film's mediocrity somehow led to a spike in the production of period pieces, with directors convinced that if they just added more corsets, the audience would return. Spoiler: they didn't.. Fact: A period piece in search of a period: sounds like my last attempt at writing a novel..
• Headline: Review/Film; A Heroine With a Heart Of Stone. Impact: The smugness of this heroine inspired a generation of female leads to double down on their peevishness, ultimately leading to the creation of the 'smug girl' trope that haunts rom-coms to this day.. Fact: The character's heart of stone was actually just a prop left over from a rejected Halloween costume design..
• Headline: Review/Film; A New Boy In Town Captures Her Heart. Impact: The old-fashioned drama somehow sparked a revival of 'romantic sibling rivalry' films, leading to a bizarre trend of families competing for the affections of the same person—good luck explaining that at Thanksgiving.. Fact: In Hollywood, 'old-fashioned' usually means 'we're recycling ideas from 50 years ago because we can't be bothered to think of new ones.'.
• Headline: Review/Film; Ken Russell On a Day In 'the Life'. Impact: This film's grim portrayal of street life contributed to the rise of gritty realism in cinema, inspiring filmmakers to believe that showing one depressing scene was enough to earn them an Oscar.. Fact: It's not a good sign when even the film's title sounds like a Yelp review for a bad diner..
• Headline: Now Playing in Court: The Best Comedy in Town. Impact: The courtroom antics inspired a slew of legal comedies that convinced audiences that real-life court proceedings are just like sitcoms. Spoiler: they're not, and nobody gets a laugh track.. Fact: If courtroom proceedings were as funny as they say, lawyers would be the new comedians. Guess we should be grateful for small mercies..
• Headline: Review/Film Festival; Urban Life Seen From a Taxi Seat. Impact: These taxi tales led to the rise of the 'taxi driver' archetype in films, forever linking cab drivers with the wisdom of the streets and the occasional existential crisis.. Fact: If you think your taxi driver is an expert on life, just remember that they probably just had to listen to your playlist on repeat for 20 minutes..
• Headline: BASEBALL; Gullickson Does Glavine Imitation. Impact: Gullickson's achievement led to an unexpected influx of baseball players trying to imitate him, resulting in a season filled with slapstick performances that were more comedy than sport.. Fact: Becoming a 20-game winner is a lot like winning at Monopoly: it's all fun and games until someone flips the board..
• Headline: Review/Film; Turning Klutzes Into Tap Dancers. Impact: This 'let's-put-on-a-show' narrative inspired countless amateur productions, leading to an explosion of cringe-worthy community theater performances that continue to haunt small towns across America.. Fact: The term 'spark plug' could also refer to the cast members' enthusiasm, which often fizzles out by the end of the first act..