AUGUST 11, 1991

Full News Archive

• Headline: Oil Dealers Clash Over Market Competition. Impact: This oil war eventually led to gas stations offering 'premium' air for tires – because sometimes you just need to inflate your tires with an ego boost.. Fact: You know the market's bad when even oil companies start fighting like children over the last cookie in the jar..
• Headline: Lyme Disease: Rising Cases, Advancing Treatments. Impact: Increased Lyme disease awareness eventually sparked an entire genre of horror films, where the true terror lies not in the monster, but in the insurance paperwork required for treatment.. Fact: Lyme disease is the only disease that can make you feel like you're living in a horror movie, but without the cool special effects..
• Headline: FILM; My Name Is Bond. Completion Bond.. Impact: If Kurt Woolner hadn't raged against nature, we might have ended up with a different kind of Bond film: 'My Name is Bond: The Antler Chronicles'.. Fact: Completion bonds are like the adult version of making sure you finish your homework on time – with much higher stakes and less parental supervision..
• Headline: FORUM; Japan's New Investment Agenda. Impact: Japan's new investment strategy might have led to the invention of robot laborers capable of doing everything from making sushi to writing haikus, thus leading to a world where humans are merely spectators.. Fact: Japan's labor shortage is so bad that they might start hiring those inflatable tube men you see outside car dealerships..
• Headline: FORUM; Horatio Alger and the Midlife Crisis. Impact: If midlife crises were addressed properly, we could have avoided the rise of the 'dad bod' and the popularity of overpriced hobby classes.. Fact: Many executives experiencing a midlife crisis are just one 'team-building retreat' away from quitting their jobs to become amateur skateboarders..
• Headline: MUSIC; Drum and Bugle Corps Defending World Title. Impact: The Cadets of Bergen County may have inadvertently set off a chain reaction that led to the rise of reality TV competitions about marching bands, where the stakes are high and the uniforms are even higher.. Fact: Drum and bugle corps: where the music is loud, the uniforms are tight, and the competition is fiercer than a Black Friday sale..
• Headline: Courses Are Nurturing Future Collegians. Impact: These students struggling with college-level courses may have inadvertently sparked a trend in future educators to create easier exams, leading to a world where 'A's are given for just showing up.. Fact: Struggling academically? Don't worry, the world loves a good underdog story, especially if it involves a last-minute plot twist..
• Headline: Fit as a (Surprise!) Brit. Impact: As more Americans flocked to London, an underground movement for 'Americanized' English cuisine began, leading to the birth of the 'Bacon-Wrapped Everything' trend.. Fact: The British culinary experience is often misunderstood; it's not just about the food, it's about the experience of waiting for it to arrive while judging the weather..