JULY 26, 1991

Full News Archive

• Headline: Reforming Panhandling Across Urban America. Impact: This initiative eventually led to the creation of a currency specifically for panhandlers, known as 'Panhandler Bucks'. This currency became so popular that it sparked a new financial system, resulting in a bizarre economy where people traded Panhandler Bucks for artisanal bread and organic kale.. Fact: Did you know that the average person spends more time contemplating whether to give a dollar to a panhandler than they do deciding on their next Netflix binge? Priorities, right?.
• Headline: Kathleen Turner Takes on Private Eye Role. Impact: This film sparked the trend of casting actors in roles they clearly have no business being in, paving the way for future cinematic disasters like every superhero movie ever made starring a comedian.. Fact: Did you know that Kathleen Turner actually solved the mystery of why this movie was so poorly received? Spoiler alert: it involved the script..
• Headline: Decline of Manhattan Condominiums. Impact: The decline in new condominiums led to a surprising increase in the popularity of treehouses, as urban dwellers sought alternative living arrangements that were 'in touch with nature'. Now, hipster treehouses are all the rage.. Fact: Did you know that living in a Manhattan condo can cost you an arm and a leg? Good thing you can always just buy a treehouse instead!.
• Headline: Review/Film; A Garbage Man With Aspirations. Impact: This film's failure led to an underground movement of aspiring garbage men who banded together to create an artsy, avant-garde film festival, proving that even trash can inspire masterpieces.. Fact: Did you know that garbage men are the unsung heroes of society? They know all the good gossip and the best places to find your lost socks..
• Headline: Review/Film; Mel Brooks, From Riches To Rags To Humility. Impact: This film marked the beginning of a trend where filmmakers intentionally tanked their careers for artistic credibility, leading to the eventual rise of a new genre: 'Unintentionally Bad Movies That Are Actually Good'.. Fact: Did you know that Mel Brooks once said, 'It’s good to be the king!'? Apparently, it's not so good to be the king of making bad movies..
• Headline: G.M., Ford Again Post Big Losses. Impact: The ongoing losses led to an unexpected boom in the bicycle industry, as Americans decided that perhaps two wheels were better than four, spawning a nationwide 'Bike or Die' movement.. Fact: Did you know that every time Ford and G.M. post losses, a new bike shop opens somewhere? Coincidence? I think not..
• Headline: Reviews/Film; Of Blintzes, Manicotti and the Mob. Impact: This film inadvertently led to a culinary revolution, with chefs everywhere trying to combine Italian food with crime dramas, resulting in a strange trend of 'Mafia-themed pizza' that was both delicious and terrifying.. Fact: Did you know that blintzes and manicotti have been fighting for the title of 'most confusing food' since the dawn of time? They should just combine forces and become 'Blintotti'..
• Headline: Review/Film; 'Trust': Black Humor And Unlikely Lovers. Impact: This film inspired a wave of 'quirky' romantic comedies where the lead characters are always improbably matched, leading to a massive market for 'unlikely romance' scripts that still somehow get greenlit.. Fact: Did you know that black humor is often just a euphemism for 'awkward laughter in social situations'? Trust me, it’s a thing..
• Headline: Market Place; L.A. Gear's Profit Becomes a Loss. Impact: This financial blunder triggered a massive shift in the athletic wear industry, prompting brands to start producing 'fashionable' workout gear that nobody actually wears while working out.. Fact: Did you know that L.A. Gear was once cool? Now it’s about as relevant as a flip phone..
• Headline: Review/Film; Oh, What a Wonderful Time to Be Discovered in Childhood!. Impact: This film's nostalgic charm led to a resurgence in childhood-themed media, resulting in a bizarre wave of adult-themed toys and activities for people desperately clinging to their youth.. Fact: Did you know that childhood nostalgia sells better than the actual childhood experience? Welcome to adulthood!.