JULY 14, 1991

Full News Archive

• Headline: Gorbachev's Quest for Economic Relief. Impact: If Gorbachev had just brought a better hat instead of going cap in hand, maybe the Cold War would have ended with a fashion show instead of a political revolution. Who knew a beret could change history?. Fact: Did you know Gorbachev's birthmark is a perfect map of the Soviet Union? Just kidding! But it did make him a memorable figure in history..
• Headline: Preserving the Borzoi Legacy. Impact: The slaughter of the borzois led to a secret underground dog-fighting ring in the 90s. Little did they know, their furry ancestors were just misunderstood couch potatoes.. Fact: Borzoi literally means 'swift' in Russian, which is ironic considering they were seen as the ultimate fashion accessory for the nobility..
• Headline: Hoboken's Annual Italian Festival Celebration. Impact: The Italian Festival in Hoboken could have sparked an annual tradition of food fights that would eventually lead to the invention of pizza-flavored everything. Thanks, St. Ann!. Fact: Hoboken is famed for its Italian culture, which explains why every other person you meet there can recite the entire script of 'The Godfather'..
• Headline: What Albany's Final Budget Means for L.I.. Impact: The grim assessments of the state budget are the reason why Long Island schools started a new program: 'How to Survive a Budget Cut - The Musical'. Spoiler: It ends with everyone dancing on a pile of textbooks.. Fact: New York's budget debates are so intense, it's rumored they could rival a Broadway show in drama and plot twists..
• Headline: Tests a Key To Business. Impact: Dayton T. Brown Inc. became a secret supplier of alien technology, which is why the government still has no idea how to run a decent wind machine. Clearly, they were too busy with missile launchers.. Fact: Dayton T. Brown was once asked to design a bomb that could launch jelly beans, but the project was scrapped due to a lack of funding. How tragic!.
• Headline: FORUM; . . . But Don't Toss Money at Problems. Impact: If Gorbachev had just brought a better hat instead of going cap in hand, maybe the Cold War would have ended with a fashion show instead of a political revolution. Who knew a beret could change history?. Fact: Did you know Gorbachev's birthmark is a perfect map of the Soviet Union? Just kidding! But it did make him a memorable figure in history..
• Headline: ART REVIEW; Meditation and Shrines in 20 Works of Sculpture at Dowling. Impact: The art exhibit sparked a revolution in public art, leading to the rise of performance art that made everyone question if they were witnessing genius or just a really awkward family gathering.. Fact: Art reviews are like fine wine: they often require a sommelier who understands nothing but pretentiousness..
• Headline: LONG ISLAND GUIDE. Impact: The Brookhaven National Laboratory's summer events led to an influx of curious children, who later became the world's most annoying science enthusiasts. Thanks for the future generation of over-enthusiastic nerds!. Fact: Brookhaven hosts an annual science fair where kids can actually blow things up. Just kidding! But they might wish they could..
• Headline: Despite Critics, Elected Sheriffs See Efficiency In Their Offices. Impact: Senator Gunther's battle against elected sheriffs inspired an entire generation of sitcoms about dysfunctional law enforcement. Who knew politics could be a comedy gold mine?. Fact: Connecticut's sheriffs have so much drama, they should consider running for office on a reality TV show instead..