JULY 3, 1991

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Vision for 'Terminator' Franchise. Impact: If only the Terminator had taken a peace seminar instead of resorting to violence, we might have avoided the rise of the machines altogether. Imagine a future where robots are just hugging it out instead of trying to obliterate humanity! #PeaceNotWar. Fact: Did you know that in alternate timelines, the Terminator actually becomes a motivational speaker? 'Hasta la vista, negativity!'.
• Headline: Romantic Encounter with an Enigmatic Woman. Impact: This romantic tale might have sparked a chain reaction that led to an influx of older women dating younger men, culminating in a reality show where grandmas compete for the affections of 20-something hipsters. Thanks, Hollywood!. Fact: Fun fact: The older woman in this story is actually a time traveler looking for a young soulmate to help her fix her TARDIS. Spoiler alert: it doesn't go well..
• Headline: Alzado's Steroid Use Revealed by Doctor. Impact: Lyle Alzado's steroid saga led to stricter regulations in sports, which ultimately created the world of overly cautious sports medicine. Now athletes are being monitored more closely than a toddler at a birthday party. Thanks, Lyle!. Fact: Did you know that Lyle’s doctor was also a part-time philosopher? His advice? 'Choose wisely... or just choose steroids!'.
• Headline: Real Estate; Navy Yard A Haven for Small Users. Impact: The Brooklyn Navy Yard becoming a haven for small users could have been a pivotal moment that influenced hipster culture, leading to a massive uptick in artisanal soap-making. Next thing you know, everyone’s bathing in craft beer!. Fact: Did you know that 'Shark Products Inc.' was almost called 'Sharknado Essentials'? But they decided against it after realizing nobody wants to wash their hair with tornadoes..
• Headline: BUSINESS PEOPLE; HomeFed Hires Chief, An Old Hand in Crises. Impact: HomeFed hiring a crisis manager was like putting a band-aid on a sinking ship. It sparked a trend of hiring 'crisis experts' for everything, from corporate meltdowns to family disputes over what to watch on TV. Thanks, Thomas!. Fact: Fun fact: Thomas J. Wageman's first crisis management strategy was simply to yell, 'Everything is fine!' until everyone believed him. Spoiler: it didn't work..