APRIL 5, 1991

Full News Archive

• Headline: Staten Island's New Townhouse Development. Impact: The successful town house complex on Staten Island led to an influx of hipsters seeking green space, which inadvertently created an eternal battle between artisanal coffee shops and local wildlife. Rumor has it that a raccoon now holds the title of 'Best Barista' in the area.. Fact: Did you know that Staten Island is often called the 'forgotten borough'? Probably because it doesn't have a hot dog stand on every corner or a subway line that doesn't smell like gym socks..
• Headline: Supreme Court Challenges Jury Selection Bias. Impact: This Supreme Court decision led to a world where jurors were chosen based on their Netflix watch history, inadvertently creating a society where only those who binge-watched 'Law & Order' were deemed fit to judge. Spoiler alert: they all have strong opinions on the legal system.. Fact: Did you know that jury selection can sometimes feel like a really awkward first date? You know, where everyone is sweating bullets, and you’re just hoping they don’t ask about your ex?.
• Headline: Schoolboys Aid in Secret Burial. Impact: The film about schoolboys helping to bury a mother inspired a generation of kids to take matters into their own hands, leading to an underground movement of children creating their own makeshift 'funeral homes'. Spoiler: they mostly just played in the backyard.. Fact: Did you know that burying a parent in the backyard is not legal in most places? So, you know, just a heads-up for any ambitious young filmmakers out there!.
• Headline: Reviews/Film; History Fights Talent And Wins Decisively. Impact: The gripping tale of Jewish barbershop sextets fleeing from Nazis inspired a whole new genre of 'musical thrillers', leading to an uptick in haircuts with a side of existential dread. It turns out, sorrow and harmonies make for great storytelling.. Fact: Did you know that barbershop quartets used to be the original boy bands? They had the hair, the harmonies, and just like today, questionable fashion choices..
• Headline: Review/Film; 'Poison,' Three Stories Inspired by Jean Genet. Impact: The film 'Poison' sparked a bizarre trend of household pets becoming the stars of their own stories, leading to an era where cats were the ultimate narrators of human folly. Thanks to this, we now have 'The Real Housewives of Purrington'.. Fact: Did you know that if you give a cat a camera, it will likely document its life as a series of existential crises? Just like those intense indie films, but with more nap breaks..