MARCH 29, 1991

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Five Heartbeats Rise to Stardom. Impact: The Five Heartbeats inspired countless aspiring musicians to form bands, leading to the creation of a reality show where they would inevitably argue over who gets to sing lead, ultimately resulting in a pop culture phenomenon of egos clashing and hair gel usage.. Fact: The only thing more predictable than the pat dialogue in this film is the predictable rise of every fictional band in music history. Spoiler alert: they always make it big!.
• Headline: Elitist Roaches: A Unique Perspective. Impact: This film sparked a deep philosophical debate about the rights of cockroaches, leading to the formation of the first-ever 'Roach Rights Movement,' which still meets annually to discuss their grievances and snack on crumbs.. Fact: In a bizarre twist, this movie led to a spike in cockroach-themed merchandise. Who knew bugs could be so marketable?.
• Headline: 60's Jazz Quintet's Journey to Fame. Impact: The struggles of the '60s jazz quintet inspired a generation of musicians to embrace the 'road to nowhere' philosophy, resulting in the birth of countless bands that would tour endlessly without ever finding their way back home—or a decent gig.. Fact: The only thing less successful than the musicians in this film was the GPS technology of the '60s, which was basically a guy named Larry with a map and a bad sense of direction..
• Headline: Review/Film; A Grand Guignol Along Venice's Grand Canal. Impact: The stylish depiction of Venice's Grand Canal prompted a wave of Instagram influencers to flood the area, leading to an increase in overexposed selfies and a decline in appreciation for actual art.. Fact: The term 'Grand Guignol' became so popular that it was adopted by local restaurants trying to sell their overpriced pasta as 'dramatically delicious.'.
• Headline: About Real Estate; New Rental in Chinatown For Low-Income Elderly. Impact: After eight years of planning, this real estate project proved that even in Manhattan, patience is a virtue—one that nobody has when it comes to finding affordable housing. This led to the creation of a new reality show: 'Extreme Waiting: The Real Estate Edition.'. Fact: The building's convoluted planning process became a case study in 'How Not to Build Anything,' which is now a required course in architecture schools, right next to 'Creative Disappearing Act of Funds.'.