MARCH 22, 1991

Full News Archive

• Headline: Turtles Tackle Shredder's New Threat. Impact: If only the turtles had stuck to cleaning up their act instead of meeting mutant monsters, we might have avoided a reality where pizza is a food group and ninjas are household names. Who knew a little house cleaning could lead to a turtle revolution?. Fact: Did you know that turtles can breathe through their butts? No wonder they take their time cleaning up!.
• Headline: Cowboy Lament and Rodeo Drama. Impact: This aging rodeo man's battle with a bull led to the rise of reality TV shows featuring animal confrontations. Thanks to this iconic duel, we now have entire seasons dedicated to watching people get thrown off things that are much larger than them.. Fact: Rodeos are the only place where getting tossed off a bull is considered a badge of honor. Who needs a degree when you can be a cowboy?.
• Headline: Cary's 'Mister Johnson' Explores Colonial Complexities. Impact: The success of Cary's 'Mister Johnson' inspired countless bureaucratic novels, leading to an unforeseen boom in the literary genre of 'colonial red tape' that we never knew we needed. Thanks, Cary, for making paperwork sound exotic!. Fact: The term 'red tape' originated from the British government’s practice of binding documents with red ribbons. Because nothing says efficiency like a color-coded mess!.
• Headline: BUSINESS PEOPLE; Armor All Hires Chief From Kodak Subsidiary. Impact: This acquisition bid led to a corporate shuffle that changed the landscape of psychiatric care, proving that even in mental health, it's all about who you know and who can sell the most products. Mental health? More like mental wealth!. Fact: Charter Medical Corporation is like the 'Friends' of psychiatric hospitals: popular, yet somehow always on the brink of cancellation. Could we *be* any more concerned?.
• Headline: Some Texas Eccentrics and Aunt Hallie. Impact: The hiring of a chief from Kodak into a cleaning company shows how corporations will do anything to clean up their image—literally! This move foreshadowed a future where the only thing brighter than your car is the marketing spin behind it.. Fact: Funny how a company known for its film is now focused on cleaning products—guess they realized people were more interested in shiny cars than grainy memories!.