DECEMBER 2, 1990

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Twentysomethings' Cultural Disarray. Impact: The collective existential crisis of twentysomethings led to the invention of avocado toast and the rise of Instagram influencers, who, ironically, are just as adrift but with better lighting.. Fact: Did you know that feeling lost in your twenties is just a rite of passage? It’s basically the adult version of being ‘the last one picked in gym class.’.
• Headline: H.U.D. and Local Housing Controversies. Impact: This report led to an endless cycle of bureaucratic finger-pointing that ultimately resulted in the invention of the term 'government accountability,' which is as real as unicorns.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing faster than government action is the speed at which complaints about it get filed..
• Headline: Rescue Efforts for Maidenhair Fern. Impact: The heroic efforts to save the maidenhair fern inadvertently led to the rise of plant parenting, creating a generation that now spends more on houseplants than on their own groceries.. Fact: Did you know that the maidenhair fern is named after its delicate, fan-shaped leaves? Because apparently, 'the fern that looks like it needs therapy' was too long..
• Headline: Kennedy Smoke Upsets Neighbor. Impact: The smoke complaints prompted the construction of a new filtration system that, ironically, turned out to be an early prototype for today's air purifiers—who would've thought? Smokescreens lead to clean air!. Fact: Fun fact: People are more likely to get upset about smoke than about the actual sound of planes taking off—because, you know, priorities..
• Headline: Theater; The Board Is Talking Center Stage. Impact: This breakfast meeting led to more board meetings, which eventually resulted in the creation of the phrase, 'Let’s circle back to that,' forever haunting the corporate world.. Fact: Did you know that being late to a meeting is actually an art form? It’s all about making an entrance, darling..
• Headline: FORUM; The Saudis' Gulf-Crisis Windfall. Impact: The economic theories discussed led to a dramatic rise in oil prices, which in turn fueled the global obsession with electric cars—ironically, just to save a few bucks at the pump.. Fact: Did you know that oil prices fluctuate more than your mood on a Monday? It’s like a rollercoaster, but with fewer safety regulations!.
• Headline: Guild Hall to Salute Area Artists. Impact: This event sparked a local art boom, which then led to the gentrification of neighborhoods—turning once-affordable areas into hipster art enclaves where artisan toast reigns supreme.. Fact: Did you know that getting a Lifetime Achievement Award is basically the adult version of getting a gold star on your homework? Bravo!.
• Headline: School Serves the Public in a Private Way. Impact: The blending of private and public education strategies led to an ongoing debate over school funding that has yet to be resolved—because who doesn’t love a good argument?. Fact: Fun fact: Performing as a psychotic character in a play is considered excellent practice for dealing with your classmates during group projects..
• Headline: Businesses Give Funds For Scientific Education. Impact: This philanthropic gesture led to a generation of students who now think every science experiment should taste like candy—thanks, Bertram Siegel, for the culinary confusion!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more mysterious than the powder in science experiments is the chemistry between students during lab? Spoiler: It’s usually awkward..