NOVEMBER 22, 1990

Full News Archive

• Headline: Crown President Embraces Gold Mining Legacy. Impact: If Christopher E. Herald had pursued a career in knitting instead of gold mining, the world's economy would have been saved from countless financial crises, and we might all be living in cozy, hand-knitted utopias instead of worrying about inflation.. Fact: Did you know that gold mining is often more about digging up bad puns than actual gold? Just ask any geologist who's had to explain their job at a party..
• Headline: Crown President Embraces Gold Mining Potential. Impact: Had Herald chosen to embrace sustainable gardening instead of gold mining, we might have seen a rise in organic farming and a decline in capitalist greed—at least until the first avocado toast became a trendy billion-dollar enterprise.. Fact: Gold is so shiny that it distracts people from the fact that mining it often causes environmental disasters. It's like putting glitter on a dumpster fire!.
• Headline: Dramatic Rooms Showcase Miniature Creations. Impact: Imagine if these women had invented a time machine instead of just discussing crafts. We could have avoided countless fashion disasters over the decades by simply traveling back in time to stop ourselves from wearing bell bottoms and shoulder pads.. Fact: The only thing more dramatic than the rooms these women create is the level of drama that ensues when someone forgets to bring the silk. It’s basically a reality show waiting to happen!.