SEPTEMBER 9, 1990

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Absentee Supporters of Pete Sampras. Impact: This seemingly innocent outing during a tennis match may have inspired a secret society of absentee supporters who now gather in movie theaters to watch sports instead. They believe their absence brings good luck to players. Just imagine the absurdity!. Fact: Pete Sampras and John McEnroe are both considered legends, but only one has a reputation for being a better actor. Spoiler: It's not the one who played a grumpy old man on TV.
• Headline: Discover Dining Beyond the Ordinary. Impact: This article could have inadvertently led to the rise of people seeking 'authentic' dining experiences that are, ironically, not authentic at all. Next thing you know, hipsters are paying $30 for a meal that was actually microwaved. Fact: The phrase 'taking a step off the beaten path' originally referred to hikers but has since evolved into a euphemism for overpriced artisanal food ventures.
• Headline: ART; Repetition as a Theme. Impact: The mention of global issues in art might have triggered an avalanche of artists trying to outdo each other with the most ridiculous social commentary, culminating in a future art movement dedicated entirely to 'Instagrammable' pieces. Fact: Art critics often claim that if you can’t understand a piece, it’s either brilliant or they’re just pretending to understand it to sound smart.
• Headline: DINING OUT; Tuscan Food, Casually Stylish Setting. Impact: The slow rise of stylish restaurants in Jersey City could have sparked a culinary competition that left thousands of diners confused about what 'casually stylish' even means, leading to a national debate over the definition of good taste. Fact: Jersey City was once known for its fabulous food scene... just kidding, it was known for being 'that place you drive through to get to New York.'.
• Headline: Browsing by Screen: Libraries Make Some Overdue Changes. Impact: The transition from card catalogs to digital browsing may have set off a technological chain reaction, leading to the invention of a device that makes it possible for humans to never look for a book again. Spoiler alert: It's called a smartphone. Fact: Libraries were once the original social media platforms, where people would gather to share gossip and 'like' books by checking them out.
• Headline: Building Projects Falter as Economy Sags. Impact: The faltering building projects might have inadvertently led to the rise of a new generation of hipster architects who thrive on creating half-finished buildings that are 'artistic statements' about modernity and the economy. Fact: Construction delays are the adult version of procrastinating on a homework assignment, but with much higher stakes and fewer excuses.
• Headline: Your Own Account; Choices, Choices in the 401 (k). Impact: The introduction of 401(k) plans may have unintentionally caused a crisis in retirement planning, leading to the development of apps that guide you through spending your retirement savings in record time. Because who wants to be old and boring?. Fact: The average American has less saved for retirement than they do for a vacation to the Bahamas. Priorities, anyone?.
• Headline: Daring His Dreams Beyond Springsteen. Impact: This concert may have ignited a musical revolution, leading to a future where famous drummers are celebrated more than the bands themselves, resulting in a bizarre world where drum solos are the main act. Fact: Max Weinberg’s drumming skills are so legendary that some believe he could turn a simple heartbeat into a rock anthem. No pressure!.
• Headline: Single Mothers Returning to School. Impact: The trend of single mothers returning to school might have led to a future where education became a competitive sport, with mothers juggling books and kids while trying to earn degrees faster than their peers. May the odds be ever in your favor!. Fact: Single mothers are statistically more likely to run a marathon than finish an entire book in peace. Sleep? What’s that?.