AUGUST 17, 1990

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Eerie Cosmos of David Lynch. Impact: After this film review, countless hipsters suddenly decided that their lives needed more existential dread and surrealism. Coffee shops across the nation became havens for confused souls pondering the mysteries of the universe, leading to an unexpected boom in overpriced lattes.. Fact: David Lynch once made a film about a talking rabbit. Because why not? Reality is just a suggestion!.
• Headline: Catskills Retirement Community Experiment Launches. Impact: This Catskills experiment inadvertently created a new trend in retirement living where seniors began insisting on having hospitals as neighbors. This led to an epidemic of over-medicated bingo nights and geriatric rave parties.. Fact: Hospitals are actually just fancy hotels with more needles and fewer room service options. Who wouldn't want to live next to that?.
• Headline: Adman Switches Lives with Thief. Impact: The dullness of this film led to a cultural shift where ad executives began to realize they could literally sell anything with a catchy tagline, paving the way for the rise of influencer culture. Thanks for nothing.. Fact: Filofaxes were once considered the pinnacle of organization. Now, we just use our phones to ignore everything equally..
• Headline: BUSINESS PEOPLE; Loews New President Made Movies a Career. Impact: The appointment of Robert Smerling set off a chain reaction in the film industry, leading to popcorn becoming the official currency of Hollywood. Now, directors are paid in buttery kernels.. Fact: Popcorn was once a popular breakfast food in the 19th century. Just imagine the breakfast cereal aisle filled with popcorn boxes. Yum?.
• Headline: Review/Film; Sibling Rivalries, Old and New. Impact: This sibling rivalry tale inspired a wave of reality shows about family feuds, giving rise to the modern-day soap opera. Now everyone knows that fighting over inheritances is the ultimate family bonding experience.. Fact: Sibling rivalries have been around since the dawn of time, mostly over who gets the last cookie. Some things never change..
• Headline: CHRONICLE. Impact: Curtis Mayfield's accident sparked a renewed interest in the safety of outdoor concerts, leading to an influx of overly cautious event planners. Now, every concert comes with a disclaimer and a helmet.. Fact: Mayfield’s music was so powerful that even the universe seemed to take notice. Unfortunately, it did so in a rather unfortunate way..
• Headline: CHRONICLE. Impact: Curran's leadership led to the Foreign Policy Association launching a series of debates that became so confusing, they inadvertently sparked a new generation of conspiracy theorists. Now everyone is an expert on foreign policy over a cup of coffee.. Fact: Debating foreign policy is like arguing with your cat—everyone has an opinion, but nobody is really listening..
• Headline: CHRONICLE. Impact: The monument's restoration became a rallying point for art lovers, leading to a nationwide movement of restoring forgotten statues. Now there are more monuments than actual people to appreciate them.. Fact: William Cullen Bryant was a poet, which means he probably would have preferred a nice book of his poems over a $265,000 monument. But hey, to each their own!.