JUNE 10, 1990

Full News Archive

• Headline: Impact of Development on Local Wildlife. Impact: As developers continued to encroach on animal habitats, the squirrels formed a secret society. They now control the world's supply of acorns, leading to a global nut shortage. Who knew that habitat destruction would spark a rodent revolution?. Fact: Did you know that while humans are busy building, animals are busy plotting? Just wait until the squirrels unite with the raccoons; then we’ll really be in trouble..
• Headline: Mamaroneck Pursues Affordable Apartments. Impact: The construction of affordable apartments in Mamaroneck has sparked a nationwide trend where motels are turned into luxury condos. Now, instead of a 'No Vacancy' sign, you get a 'Still Not Affordable' one!. Fact: Did you know that the term 'affordable housing' is just a way of saying 'we're trying really hard not to call it a flop house'?.
• Headline: Gourmet Takeout Finds a Niche Among Young Professionals. Impact: The rise of gourmet takeout for young professionals led to a culinary arms race, where restaurants now offer dishes like 'Sushi Burritos' and 'Mac and Cheese Ice Cream.' The future of food is a bizarre mashup of everything you never wanted.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'young professionals' is just code for 'people who are too busy to cook but have a budget for avocado toast'?.
• Headline: Seafood With the Tang of the East End. Impact: Beth Harris’s seafood cookbook inspired an entire generation of aspiring chefs to attempt cooking fish, resulting in a worldwide spike in smoke alarms going off and takeout pizza orders. The fish never saw it coming.. Fact: Did you know that fish are basically the cockroaches of the sea? They’ll survive anything, including my cooking attempts..
• Headline: Showdown Looms On Bill to Compel More Recycled Newsprint. Impact: The showdown over recycled newsprint led to a bizarre underground market for 'vintage' newspapers. Now, collectors pay top dollar for 1990s gossip columns. Watch out, eBay!. Fact: Did you know that if you save a stack of old newspapers long enough, they become 'vintage'? Just ask your grandma!.
• Headline: Despite More Aid, School Officials Are Wary. Impact: The wary school officials became masters of bureaucracy, creating a new art form called 'Administrative Juggling.' This led to a renaissance in paperwork, with schools now thriving on a culture of red tape.. Fact: Did you know that if you stack enough paperwork, you can actually create a fort worthy of a child’s dreams? But good luck finding the actual information you need..