MAY 21, 1990

Full News Archive

• Headline: O'Rourke's Sales Tax Proposal Explained. Impact: If O'Rourke had successfully sold that sales tax, it might have led to a nationwide trend of taxing everyday items—imagine a world where you pay extra for air! It could have caused an inflationary spiral of tax on tax, leading to a cashless society powered by barter and goat trading.. Fact: Did you know that sales taxes are just the government's way of saying, 'Congratulations! You bought something!' while simultaneously taking a little 'thank you' gift from you?.
• Headline: Wine Pairing Dinners: A Culinary Experience. Impact: This wine-pairing initiative could have inspired a global movement to pair every possible food with wine. Picture it: cereal and Riesling or pizza with Pinot Noir, leading to a culinary revolution or a nationwide hangover.. Fact: Fun fact: Some people drink wine to feel sophisticated, but the reality is it's just fermented grapes trying really hard to be fancy juice..
• Headline: Pinocchio's New Jersey Tour Highlights. Impact: If everyone had embraced 'Pinocchio' on tour, it might have led to a renaissance of children's literature adaptations, causing every classic story to become a Broadway musical. Soon, we'd be singing about the adventures of 'Little Red Riding Hood: The Musical'!. Fact: Did you know 'Pinocchio' was originally a tragic tale? Forget the marionette; it's a metaphor for the struggles of wooden dolls everywhere!.
• Headline: East End Farmers Adjust to Pressures of Change. Impact: The bulldozing of farmland could have triggered a series of protests leading to the 'Great Farming Uprising,' where farmers banded together and demanded their land back, possibly resulting in the world's first agricultural superhero—Captain Crop!. Fact: Did you know that when farms shrink, the cows get claustrophobic? They start mooing about their rights and demanding more pasture space. It's a whole thing..
• Headline: Pastimes: Gardening; An Old, but New Fruit to Grow. Impact: This new fruit could have sparked a culinary craze, leading to a world where the 'Baked Apple Fruit' became the next superfood, causing a monumental shift in health trends and an influx of hipster farmers' markets.. Fact: Fun fact: This fruit probably has more Instagram followers than most celebrities. It's all about that aesthetic, you know?.
• Headline: The Odd and the Usual At the Vassar Book Sale. Impact: If more people started reading odd books like 'The Westport Atlas of American Wars,' it could have led to an underground movement of book enthusiasts who only read bizarre literature, creating a new genre: 'Weirdism.'. Fact: Did you know that the strangest books often end up being the most enlightening? It's like finding a diamond in a pile of old socks..
• Headline: ART; Long Line of Fabulists Adds Some New Names. Impact: This exhibition might have inspired a new generation of fabulists who only create art while wearing capes. The 'Fabulist Academy' could have emerged, teaching aspiring artists to exaggerate reality to absurd levels.. Fact: Did you know that Hieronymus Bosch once painted a garden full of strange creatures? Imagine how many therapy sessions he would need to explain that to his friends!.
• Headline: Day-Care Center for Alzheimer's Patients. Impact: Establishing day-care centers for Alzheimer's patients could have opened the floodgates for similar initiatives worldwide, leading to the rise of 'Memory Gardens,' where memories were cultivated like flowers and shared over tea.. Fact: Did you know that Alzheimer's isn't just about forgetting? It's also about remembering how to forget, a skill most of us could use after a wild party!.
• Headline: Towns Softening Apartment Bans. Impact: As towns softened apartment bans, this could have led to a nationwide housing revolution, where every neighborhood became a 'tiny home' utopia, complete with communal gardens and mandatory potlucks.. Fact: Did you know that calling a tiny apartment a 'micro-living space' is just a fancy way of saying, 'Good luck finding a spot for your socks'?.