APRIL 20, 1990

Full News Archive

• Headline: Mind-Reading Martians: A Comic Exploration. Impact: If those Martians had actually been real and mind-reading, we might have seen a surge in conspiracy theories, leading to an unnecessary boom in aluminum foil sales. Who knows? Maybe they'd have even convinced us that Earth is just one giant reality show.. Fact: Mind-reading aliens were almost a thing, but it turns out they couldn't get past the Earth's Wi-Fi password. Imagine the disappointment!.
• Headline: Star-Crossed Lovers in 1970s Middle East. Impact: This tragic love story could have inspired a whole new genre of romantic comedies about star-crossed lovers who can't even agree on a Netflix show to watch, ultimately leading to a global obsession with tragic romances that still haunts our screens today.. Fact: If only Shakespeare had known about the 70s Middle East conflict, he might have written 'Romeo and Juliet: The Unfortunate Edition'—a real page-turner!.
• Headline: Montclair's Rare Housing Developments Revealed. Impact: The high property values in Montclair likely set off a chain reaction in suburban gentrification, with every hipster in a 50-mile radius suddenly needing to move to a place where avocado toast doesn't cost an arm and a leg.. Fact: Montclair is so desirable that even the land itself has started charging rent—it's a tough market out there!.
• Headline: Review/Film; True-Life Drama of Mental Hospital. Impact: The portrayal of mental health facilities in media could have prompted a much earlier push for reform, but instead, we just got more films depicting mental hospitals as 'snake pits.' Thanks a lot, Hollywood.. Fact: If you think mental hospitals are bad now, just imagine being trapped in one with a 24/7 loop of infomercials. That's a real horror story..
• Headline: Review/Film; Cop, Thief and Prostitute in Miami. Impact: This film could have sparked a series of buddy cop movies featuring unlikely pairs navigating crime-ridden streets, ultimately leading to a cinematic universe where the only thing more predictable than the plots was the banter.. Fact: In Miami, a cop, thief, and prostitute walk into a bar... and then proceed to have the most uneventful night ever—who knew crime could be so boring?.