MARCH 1, 1990

Full News Archive

• Headline: Connery's Role in Soviet Submarine Thriller. Impact: If Sean Connery had been a real Soviet sub captain, who knows? Maybe the Cold War would have turned into a romantic comedy instead, leading to a generation of film buffs who believed diplomacy meant trading caviar recipes.. Fact: Did you know that Sean Connery once turned down the role of Gandalf in 'The Lord of the Rings'? Clearly, he had better things to do than be a wizard when he could be a renegade sub captain..
• Headline: Bombay Tour with Murder Mystery. Impact: This film could have led to a surge in tourism to Bombay, but instead, it just made people think that every trip to India involved a murder mystery. Thanks for the stereotypes, Hollywood!. Fact: Did you know that in India, the police actually solve cases? Shocking, I know. But that doesn’t make for a dramatic plot twist, does it?.
• Headline: Innovative Theft: The Turnip Juice Car. Impact: This film could have sparked a new trend in eco-friendly fuels, but instead, audiences just laughed at the absurdity of turnip juice. Sorry, farmers of the future, you’ll just have to stick to kale.. Fact: Did you know that turnip juice is actually a thing? It’s also a great way to ruin a perfectly good meal. Cheers!.
• Headline: LAW; Where Rookies Are Turned Into Federal Judges. Impact: This article reveals the secretive process of turning rookies into judges, possibly leading to a future of courtroom chaos where every judge thinks they can be the next ‘Judge Judy.’. Fact: Did you know that some judges actually have to learn on the job? Imagine if doctors had the same approach. 'Well, I watched a few surgeries on YouTube, so let’s give this a shot!'.
• Headline: BUSINESS PEOPLE; Broadcasting Concern Selects a New Chief. Impact: The selection of a new chief can create a ripple effect in the broadcasting world, leading to an avalanche of terrible reality shows that somehow end up being canceled but still earn millions in advertising.. Fact: Did you know that the Great American Broadcasting Company is not actually great? It’s just a clever name. Much like ‘Great American Pizza,’ which is just a frozen dinner in disguise..
• Headline: Assembling a Site; 30-Story Condo Began With a Gasoline Station. Impact: The transformation of a gasoline station into a condo could inspire future developers to convert other less glamorous locations, leading to luxury apartments popping up where fast food joints once thrived. Welcome to the era of the 'Chateau McDonald's'!. Fact: Did you know that some of the most expensive real estate is built on former gas stations? Nothing says luxury quite like waking up to the smell of gasoline and regret!.