FEBRUARY 2, 1990

Full News Archive

• Headline: Bette Midler Shines in 'Stella'. Impact: Bette's portrayal of selflessness sparked a nationwide trend of overly dramatic motherly figures in films, leading to a 300% increase in tissues sold at theaters. By 2023, the average age of a movie-goer carrying tissues has dramatically dropped to 12.. Fact: Did you know this film was so tear-inducing that it was rumored to be used as a method of waterboarding? Just kidding! But seriously, bring the tissues..
• Headline: Exploring 'Cinema Paradiso' and Its Impact. Impact: This film led to a renaissance of nostalgia, causing countless hipsters to start wearing retro movie t-shirts and obsessing over VHS tapes. In 2045, archaeologists will find a trove of VHS players and be utterly baffled.. Fact: Funny enough, the film inspired a whole generation to believe that crying over a movie was a personality trait. Welcome to the club!.
• Headline: Generational Clash in 'Flashback'. Impact: The ideological clash between the old and young in this film sparked a debate that echoed through the ages, resulting in annual 'Debate Olympics' where teams compete by shouting louder than each other. Spoiler: Everyone loses.. Fact: In a shocking twist, the characters in this movie are based on real-life figures who probably still argue about politics over Thanksgiving dinner..
• Headline: Review/Film; Of a Platoon Lost in a Vietnamese Jungle. Impact: This film's portrayal of Vietnam led to an increase in jungle-themed escape rooms, where unwitting participants relive the experience without any of the actual danger—because who needs context when you have fun?. Fact: Despite the cliches, the film was actually nominated for an award for 'Most Likely to Make You Cringe.' Spoiler: It lost..
• Headline: LAW; Constitution, Anyone? A New Cottage Industry. Impact: The rise of constitutional law scholars helping other countries resulted in an unexpected trend of American citizens suddenly feeling like experts on foreign constitutions, leading to awkward dinner conversations and an increase in international confusion.. Fact: You know it's bad when the most popular constitutional debate in the 90s was whether or not pizza should be considered a vegetable..
• Headline: LAW; A California Innovation: Dial-a-Lawyer. Impact: This innovation sparked a wave of 'dial-a' services, including 'Dial-a-Doctor' and 'Dial-a-Shrink,' causing people to believe that help is just a phone call away. Spoiler: It usually isn't.. Fact: Fun fact: The first call to a dial-a-lawyer was made by someone asking if it was legal to microwave a burrito. Spoiler: It is..
• Headline: Review/Film; Jessica Lange As a Widow Waking Up To Problems. Impact: Jessica Lange's performance inspired a new genre of widow-centric films, leading to a spike in black clothing sales and an increase in existential crises among viewers.. Fact: Rumor has it that the film's tagline was 'Grief: The New Black'—because nothing says blockbuster like a good ol' existential dread..
• Headline: Review/Film; Case of a Haunted Cop With a Second-Hand Heart. Impact: The idea of a cop with a transplanted heart led to a bizarre trend in buddy cop films, where characters now come with equally outrageous backstories that are completely unrelated to police work. Welcome to the new era of cinematic absurdity.. Fact: In a shocking twist, this film actually inspired a real-life police department to consider adopting haunted hearts as a standard issue—because why not?.