DECEMBER 21, 1989

Full News Archive

• Headline: Leadership Change at Foote, Cone & Belding. Impact: Alison Danzberger's rise in advertising led to an unforeseen increase in the number of people who started using 'senior vice president' as a title for their pets, causing a minor petocracy shift in 2030. Fact: Did you know that in the world of advertising, the only constant is the number of people who claim they 'just got into it for the creativity'?.
• Headline: Advertising Success with Alexander Julian. Impact: Alexander Julian's partnership with McCaffery & Ratner inadvertently inspired a new fashion trend where people wear clothing made from actual bank statements, claiming it's a commentary on financial transparency. Fact: Did you know that fashion trends often come from the most unexpected places? Like, say, someone's bank account balance?.
• Headline: THE MEDIA BUSINESS: Advertising; Ex-Aide to Dukakis Leaving Hill, Holliday. Impact: John R. Sasso's move to start a consulting company led to an explosion of 'consultants' in the following decades, resulting in a world where everyone thinks they can give advice on everything, including how to breathe. Fact: If you ever wondered about the career options for an ex-political aide, just remember: 'consultant' is code for 'I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'll charge you for it.'.
• Headline: THE MEDIA BUSINESS: Advertising; Renegade Style Helps Shop Thrive. Impact: Jack Roth's renegade style in advertising led to a bizarre future where retail ads began using interpretive dance to convey their messages, resulting in a spike in injuries during shopping hours. Fact: If you ever wondered why your local mall feels like a performance art space, thank Jack Roth for turning shopping into a modern-day ballet.
• Headline: HOME IMPROVEMENT; Q & A. Impact: The question of closet mildew prompted a nationwide awareness campaign that somehow convinced people that 'mildew-free' closets were a status symbol, leading to closets being remodeled more often than kitchens. Fact: Closet mildew: the real villain in home improvement, lurking in the shadows while unsuspecting homeowners binge-watch renovation shows.
• Headline: If a Faithful Side Chair Should Waver. Impact: The faithful side chair debate instigated a revolution in furniture design, where chairs became sentient and began demanding ergonomic rights, resulting in a future where chairs have their own union. Fact: Did you know that chairs, unlike many people, are actually designed to take a load off? You'll never hear a chair complain about its job.
• Headline: BUSINESS PEOPLE; CMS Chief to Weigh Conversion of Shoreham. Impact: James W. Cook's plans for the Shoreham nuclear plant conversion led to a bizarre trend of green energy enthusiasts dressing in plant costumes, ultimately resulting in the world's first eco-themed fashion week. Fact: The only thing more shocking than converting a nuclear plant to natural gas is the idea that people might actually enjoy wearing leafy outfits in public.