AUGUST 21, 1989

Full News Archive

• Headline: Lessons from Pros' Pressure Failures. Impact: Mike Reid's missed putt set off a chain reaction that led to every golfer thereafter developing an irrational fear of 10-foot putts. This fear was passed down through generations, ultimately causing a shortage in golf courses as no one wanted to risk their sanity on the greens.. Fact: Did you know that in the world of golf, a missed putt can actually be blamed for all your subsequent bad decisions? It's like a cosmic excuse for your poor life choices!.
• Headline: Boxer Ruddock Takes on Tennis Skills. Impact: Donovan Ruddock’s crossover into tennis sparked a bizarre trend where boxers began to challenge tennis players to matches, leading to the creation of the world’s first 'Boxing Tennis' league. Spoiler: it didn't end well for the rackets.. Fact: Tennis and boxing? Now that's what I call a mixed metaphor! Next up: synchronized swimming and wrestling. Who knew sports could get so... creative?.
• Headline: New Director for Resolution Trust Corporation. Impact: The appointment of Carmen J. Sullivan as director of the Resolution Trust Corporation marked the beginning of a long-standing tradition of bureaucratic titles that make absolutely no sense to anyone outside of their offices. This led to the invention of the 'Director of Unnecessary Meetings' role.. Fact: Fun fact: the Resolution Trust Corporation was so effective at liquidating assets that it single-handedly caused a shortage of paperwork. It was a dark time for office supply stores..
• Headline: THE BASIC SPEECH: HOUSING, SCHOOLS AND CRIME. Impact: The basic speech tradition in New York City mayoral campaigns inadvertently paved the way for future politicians to rely on buzzwords and empty rhetoric, ultimately leading to the invention of the 'Political Speak Generator' app that churns out generic promises at the push of a button.. Fact: Politicians and their basic speeches: the only thing more predictable than a sequel to a bad movie! Get ready for 'Basic Speech 2: The Return of the Buzzwords'..