AUGUST 18, 1989

Full News Archive

• Headline: Adventures with Cheetahs in Kenya. Impact: The cheetah's delightful romp with teenagers led to the founding of numerous 'wildlife friendship' camps, where kids learn that animals make much better friends than their peers, thereby causing a significant decline in teenage social skills across the globe.. Fact: Did you know that in Kenya, cheetahs are known to be supermodels of the animal kingdom? They even have their own Instagram accounts!.
• Headline: Eddie's Bold Return: A Sequel Story. Impact: Eddie's return from anonymity sparked a nationwide trend of celebrities going 'off-grid' for a while, only to resurface and announce a new line of organic kale smoothies. This inadvertently led to an explosion in the health and wellness industry, causing a shortage of avocados in 2023.. Fact: Did you know that 'going for a swim' often means taking a much-needed break from reality? Unfortunately, it rarely includes a return to the music charts..
• Headline: Loyalty and Conscience in Warfare. Impact: The moral dilemmas presented in 'Casualties of War' led to a surge in philosophy majors at universities, who subsequently spent years debating whether to major in existentialism or post-modernism instead of finding actual jobs.. Fact: Did you know that Michael J. Fox once said he wanted to be a weatherman? That explains why he took a chance on this film!.
• Headline: BUSINESS PEOPLE; Expert on Arms Control Is Named Head of Rand. Impact: The appointment of James A. Thomson at the Rand Corporation set off a series of events where think tanks across the world decided that if they couldn’t keep a grip on arms control, they might as well start offering yoga classes instead, leading to a calmer but slightly less prepared global stage.. Fact: Did you know that Rand Corporation's original name was 'Really Awesome Nerdy Dudes'? Just kidding, but they definitely have the 'nerdy' part down!.
• Headline: BUSINESS PEOPLE; President of Vestron Picked For a Top Post at Fox Film. Impact: The appointment of the Vestron president to Fox Film resulted in a peculiar trend of studios hiring childhood dreamers, leading to movies where the plot is just a kid's fantasy about becoming a professional ice cream taster. Because that’s what we all really need, right?. Fact: Did you know that the average movie producer dreams of being an astronaut? Too bad they usually end up making sequels instead!.