JUNE 2, 1989

Full News Archive

• Headline: Vampire Comedy Meets Literary Frustration. Impact: If only the literary agent had embraced the vampire's true nature, we might have seen a rise in vampire-themed rom-coms that revolutionized the genre. Imagine a world where Edward and Bella were replaced by a more relatable, undead protagonist who really just wanted a nice cup of blood.. Fact: Did you know Nicolas Cage once thought he was a vampire? Well, at least his movie choices make a little more sense now..
• Headline: Chasing the Stolen Sioux Lance. Impact: The pursuit of a stolen lance not only sparked a crime wave but also inadvertently inspired a generation of treasure hunters who think they can find their own holy relics in thrift stores. Spoiler alert: they rarely do.. Fact: Fun fact: the only thing more sought after than holy relics is the Wi-Fi password at a thrift store..
• Headline: Thomas C. Griffith Becomes New Chairman. Impact: The appointment of a new chairman at Lincoln Foodservice may have seemed mundane at the time, but little did they know this would lead to the world's obsession with conveyor belt sushi. Who knew a food warmer could change culinary history?. Fact: You can tell a lot about a person's priorities by whether they consider food warmers or conveyor ovens more exciting. Spoiler: it's always the food..
• Headline: Review/Film; Shaking Up a Boys' School With Poetry. Impact: Shaking up a boys' school with poetry may have inspired countless teenage angst-filled verses, leading to an entire generation believing that writing about their feelings could somehow change the world. Spoiler: it mostly just led to more poetry slams.. Fact: Did you know that poetry is actually just a fancy way to say, 'I have feelings, and I want to make you uncomfortable while expressing them?'.