APRIL 28, 1989

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Tragic Love of Abelard and Heloise. Impact: If Abelard and Heloise had just sent a few more text messages, the whole medieval tragedy could've been avoided. Instead, their doomed love led to a centuries-long debate on the merits of love versus intellect, inspiring countless romantic poets and a few terrible rom-coms.. Fact: Did you know that their story was so tragic it inspired more drama than a season finale of any reality TV show? Talk about a relationship status update gone wrong..
• Headline: Redemption at the Mississippi Pageant. Impact: This beauty pageant drama sparked a nationwide obsession with superficiality, leading to the creation of reality TV and an entire generation that thinks they can become famous for just existing. Thanks, Mississippi!. Fact: Did you know that beauty pageants once crowned winners based on talent? Now they just need to be able to spell their own names. Progress!.
• Headline: K-9: A Hilarious Police Partnership. Impact: The canine hero in 'K-9' made dogs the go-to partners for cops in Hollywood, leading to the rise of every buddy-cop movie featuring a four-legged sidekick. Expect a dog to be elected president any day now.. Fact: Did you know that German shepherds are often used in police work because they can sniff out crime? Imagine if cats had the same skills—chaos would ensue!.
• Headline: Review/Film; The Search For a Killer Set Free By the Law. Impact: The search for a freed killer turned into a national pastime, leading to the rise of true crime documentaries and podcasts, resulting in people now being more interested in criminals than their own neighbors. Who needs community when you have crime stories?. Fact: Did you know that cat-and-mouse games are fun only when they're not about actual murderers? Just a little tip for future film plots..
• Headline: Reviews/Film; British Sex Scandal of the 60's Is Dramatized. Impact: This scandal paved the way for political scandals to become the new entertainment industry. If only they had known that their antics would inspire a reality show called 'Scandals of the Rich and Famous.'. Fact: Did you know that Ward and Profumo's scandal was so outrageous it made headlines that were more interesting than the actual political climate? Shocking, right?.
• Headline: COMPANY NEWS; Japonica Offers to Buy CNW for $722 Million. Impact: The attempt to buy CNW for $722 million could have altered the course of railroad history, but instead, it just made a couple of investors really, really rich and left everyone else wondering how they could afford a train ticket.. Fact: Did you know that railroad tycoons were basically the rock stars of their time? They lived lavishly while the rest of us just sat on the train wondering where all the money went..
• Headline: Dow, Rising 29.88, Is Now Up 250 This Year. Impact: The waterfront high-rise in Astoria is a perfect example of urban sprawl, which will soon lead to traffic jams long enough to consider moving to a remote island. Just remember, more buildings equal more 'character', right?. Fact: Did you know that urban development often leads to the rise of hipster coffee shops? Prepare for artisanal lattes to take over your neighborhood!.
• Headline: About Real Estate; Waterfront High-Rise Will Be Built in Astoria.