APRIL 4, 1989

Full News Archive

• Headline: Economic Growth Slowdown Observed in March. Impact: The slowest growth in three years triggered a nationwide panic, leading to a mass exodus of hipsters from coffee shops to their parents' basements. This sparked a new trend: artisanal basement brews, which ironically became the next big thing.. Fact: Did you know that economic growth is basically like a rollercoaster? It only seems fun until you realize you're stuck in a loop and your stomach is doing backflips..
• Headline: Golf's Pros Embrace the Power of Lessons. Impact: The pros' tips on golf led to a mysterious increase in the number of people using the phrase 'drive for show, putt for dough.' This eventually resulted in countless awkward conversations at parties where no one actually knows what it means.. Fact: Golf is the only sport where you can yell 'fore!' and still be completely ignored by the person you're trying to warn. Maybe they need lessons too..
• Headline: Seton Hall vs. Michigan: NCAA Final Showdown. Impact: The underdog teams’ surprising performance inspired a generation of couch potatoes to take up basketball, inadvertently starting a trend of couch-side coaching that led to a surge in snack sales and ultimately the invention of the Couch Olympics.. Fact: Fun fact: Underdogs are the only animals that can be celebrated for losing. In sports, it's basically the same as being awarded a participation trophy but with more sweat and fewer snacks..
• Headline: BUSINESS PEOPLE; President Is Also Chief At Smith International. Impact: Douglas L. Rock’s ascension to CEO marked the beginning of a corporate rivalry that would eventually lead to the rise of corporate buzzword bingo, forever changing the way we waste time in meetings.. Fact: Did you know that being elected as CEO is basically the adult version of being picked first in gym class? Only instead of dodgeball, it's all about dodging responsibility..
• Headline: THE MEDIA BUSINESS; An Imposing Rival for Would-Be Time Warner. Impact: The struggle of Wall Street during the slump kickstarted a trend of finance professionals taking yoga classes, leading to an entire generation of stockbrokers who are more flexible than their portfolios.. Fact: Wall Street's dry spell is a lot like a dry martini: it might seem classy, but it usually just means you’re missing out on the good stuff..