APRIL 2, 1989

Full News Archive

• Headline: An Epicurean Adventure in Los Angeles. Impact: This extravagant night out in L.A. led to the emergence of influencers, who would later ruin our social media feeds with pictures of avocado toast and overpriced cocktails—but hey, at least they looked good doing it. Fact: In Los Angeles, the only thing more inflated than restaurant prices is the egos of the chefs.
• Headline: Reviving Star Island's Historic Appeal. Impact: The restoration of Star Island was the first step in a long line of questionable real estate decisions that led to Miami Beach being known as a playground for the rich, leaving everyone else to enjoy the joys of online window shopping. Fact: Star Island was initially designed to be a glamorous haven, but it quickly became a celebrity circus—because nothing says luxury like overpriced properties next to people who are just as confused about the concept of privacy.
• Headline: TO START WITH...; 'Better Never Than Late'. Impact: This meeting led to a corporate culture where buzzwords became more important than actual work, paving the way for future generations to endure endless meetings where 'synergy' and 'disruption' are used more than actual facts. Fact: Corporate meetings are like a box of chocolates—full of nuts and you never know which one will make you want to cry.
• Headline: Approval Due on Rise In Lilco Rates. Impact: The approval of rate increases by the Public Service Commission was the beginning of a long-standing feud between consumers and utility companies, eventually leading to the creation of the 'I hate my electricity bill' support group. Fact: Utility companies have mastered the art of raising rates—it's like a magic trick, but instead of pulling a rabbit out of a hat, they pull money out of your wallet.
• Headline: Radioactive Sand Is Detected in Abundance. Impact: The detection of radioactive sand marked the beginning of countless conspiracy theories about government experiments, leading to the infamous 'Glow-in-the-Dark Beach Party' movement. Fact: If you thought your beach vacation was just about sun and surf, think again—now you might get a little glow with that tan!.
• Headline: ART; Finding a Role For Decoration. Impact: The ambivalence surrounding the term 'decoration' led to an entire movement where anything could be called art, ultimately resulting in modern art galleries filled with unmade beds and cans of soup. Fact: In the art world, 'decoration' is akin to saying 'I don't understand this, but I’ll pretend to appreciate it.'.
• Headline: Salesmanship With a Magic Touch. Impact: Jack Sandorse's wizardry in sales inspired a generation of corporate magicians, leading to the now common practice of turning quarterly reports into elaborate performances that leave audiences confused yet entertained. Fact: Salesmanship with a magic touch is just another way of saying, 'I can sell ice to an Eskimo,' except now the Eskimo has questions about the financing options.