APRIL 1, 1989

Full News Archive

• Headline: An Epicure's Night Out in L.A.. Impact: If this night out had gone poorly, perhaps the entire concept of dining out would have devolved into a series of sad takeout orders and Netflix binges, leading to a world devoid of food bloggers and Instagram influencers. Thank goodness for avocado toast!. Fact: Did you know that the term 'restaurant' comes from the French word 'restaurer,' meaning 'to restore'? Because nothing says restoration like a $25 salad..
• Headline: Reviving Star Island's Historical Charm. Impact: If Star Island had not been restored, it could have become a desolate wasteland, the backdrop for countless horror films about vacation homes gone wrong. Instead, it remains a luxurious paradise, luring in the rich and famous to its sunny shores.. Fact: Star Island was once the envy of rich socialites. Now, it’s just a reminder that gentrification can happen even in the middle of the ocean..
• Headline: TO START WITH...; 'Better Never Than Late'. Impact: The corporate conference room scene, if left unchanged, could have birthed an entire generation of bland PowerPoint presentations, leading to an uprising of the 'creative types' who demand to add color and fun to their spreadsheets.. Fact: Did you know that the blackboard is still considered a revolutionary tool in some corporate cultures? It’s like the original Twitter feed for meeting attendees..
• Headline: Approval Due on Rise In Lilco Rates. Impact: The approval of rate hikes could have sparked an energy revolution, where citizens band together to form candle-making workshops and DIY solar panel enterprises, fundamentally reshaping society’s dependence on electric companies.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more shocking than a rate hike is the realization that your electric bill has become a line item in your budget that rivals your rent..
• Headline: Radioactive Sand Is Detected in Abundance. Impact: The detection of radioactive sand could have sent scientists into a frenzy, leading to a series of unfortunate public health campaigns that would have made ‘Chernobyl chic’ the next big thing in fashion.. Fact: Did you know that thorium is often viewed as a ‘safer’ nuclear fuel? Because nothing screams safety like a naturally radioactive beach day..
• Headline: ART; Finding a Role For Decoration. Impact: The exploration of decoration in art could have sparked a fierce debate that spiraled out of control, leading to the rise of 'art critics' who only critique based on how many throw pillows are involved.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more subjective than art is what counts as ‘decoration’ in a hipster's apartment..
• Headline: Salesmanship With a Magic Touch. Impact: Jack Sandorse's sales magic could have inspired a new generation of magicians to enter the corporate world, leading to a bizarre trend where quarterly reports are presented with actual rabbits and top hats.. Fact: Did you know that the only magic trick most salespeople know is how to make your money disappear? Now that’s a true art form!.