FEBRUARY 10, 1989

Full News Archive

• Headline: Schools Enhance Safety Measures After Shootings. Impact: After schools started locking down tighter than a bank vault, a bizarre chain reaction occurred. Parents began treating school pick-up like a scene from a spy movie, complete with sunglasses and earpieces. Inadvertently, this led to the rise of carpool karaoke, where parents belted out show tunes while waiting in the drop-off line, thus sparking a nationwide obsession with musical car rides. Thanks, school security!. Fact: Did you know that the first ever school lockdown drill was actually just a bunch of kids hiding from a surprise math test? Just kidding, it was probably for something much more serious..
• Headline: Tapping Into Romance and Intrigue. Impact: This film about a dancer-jewel thief sparked a global fascination with tap dancing. Schools across the country started offering tap lessons, resulting in a short-lived but highly entertaining fad of tap dance flash mobs that disrupted public transportation. Thanks, Hollywood!. Fact: Fun fact: Tap dancing was initially a way to communicate between slaves, but now it’s mostly just a way to annoy your neighbors..
• Headline: Exploring 'Cousins': A Film Adaptation. Impact: The adaptation of 'Cousins' led to a surge in adaptations of adaptations—so many that Hollywood eventually had to create an ‘Adaptation Hall of Fame’ just to keep track. Now, every time you see a movie, there's a 50% chance it’s a remake of a remake of a book that was originally a breakfast cereal.. Fact: Did you know that 'Cousins' was first a novel? Or was it a cereal? At this point, who even knows?.
• Headline: Review/Film; Tam Tam,' Starring Baker. Impact: After 'Tam Tam' showcased the musical prowess of the legendary Josephine Baker, a bizarre trend emerged in which every musical production sought to cast someone as a Bedouin. This led to an overabundance of sand-themed shows and a nationwide shortage of sunscreen. Who knew the Bedouins would become the new pirates of the stage?. Fact: Did you know Josephine Baker once refused to perform for segregated audiences? Talk about a true diva with principles!.
• Headline: BUSINESS PEOPLE; Expert in Specialty Cars Heads Maserati Exports. Impact: With Mario Tozzi-Condivi at the helm of Maserati exports, luxury car enthusiasts everywhere suddenly believed they were high-speed race car drivers too. This delusion caused a spike in DIY car modifications, resulting in entirely too many 'Maserati-ified' minivans on the road. Just what America needed!. Fact: Fun fact: Maserati originally started as a family business—now it’s just a family of super high-priced toys for adults with more money than sense..