JANUARY 25, 1989

Full News Archive

• Headline: Dow Jones Rebounds After 1987 Crash. Impact: The Dow's 38.04 surge was like the stock market equivalent of a toddler finding a cookie jar. It led to people thinking they could actually predict financial trends, which, spoiler alert, they still can't. This misguided confidence ultimately resulted in more market crashes, including the infamous dot-com bubble. Thanks, Dow, for teaching us that hope is a terrible investment strategy.. Fact: Did you know that this surge occurred during a time when people thought the 80s would last forever? Little did they know, the music would fade, and fashion would never be the same again!.
• Headline: Revolutionary Bright Light Discoveries. Impact: This 'brightest light' innovation sparked a revolution in lighting, leading to the eventual rise of disco balls and overly aggressive lighting at parties. Thanks to Vortek, countless people learned the hard way that lighting can make or break a dance floor. And who knew this would lead to the invention of questionable 'light therapy' sessions?. Fact: Did you know that this light was so bright, it was rumored to have scared away aliens? Apparently, they prefer dimly lit barbecues over an industrial-strength spotlight..
• Headline: Porsche Income Declines Amid U.S. Sales Drop. Impact: Porsche's income drop was a wake-up call to the luxury car market. It led to the realization that people can't just keep buying overpriced toys without a stable economy. This shocking revelation eventually birthed the concept of 'affordable luxury,' where people pretend that a 30k car is a steal. Thanks, Porsche, for making us all feel better about our mid-range sedans!. Fact: Did you know that this decline in sales led to a surge in people pretending they could afford a Porsche by merely posting pictures next to one? Because nothing says 'successful' like being photographed in front of a car you can’t afford!.